do i dare get a tumblr?
egahds,
what has the world come to?

Somehow I'm finding I'm much more of a social person than I used to be, which is funny because about a year ago I was horrified with myself to "discover" that I was an antisocial solitary person. Which I guess was to say that I was afraid of human interaction and didn't know how to handle myself. I could be wrong. I know though that I am more secure with the world as compared to previous times. Strange that I still can call myself me. Maybe the self really is an illusion.
Guilt is not a natural feeling, humans learn how to feel it and it is poison, but I guess it gets the job done. Regardless of its origins it has a strength of itself, in conflicts. I refuse to admit that humanity can only destroy itself. Which is off topic, in a manner.

I think I've met my match and I'm finding I like it.
Something tells me to be careful with my words because who knows whats going on through other peoples minds, but god, its just such a hassle to do. Totally not in my nature..... I feel...strong?

I do fall to guilt a lot though. Which is destructive because it isn't natural. Its important to acknowledge that, for me. I'm happier in knowing that and in making my own path free of it. No matter how temporary this state, I honor it.

I'm reading a book called Cunt. It has a very feminist slant, which I don't mind at all. It empowers in a healthy way, for me in this moment, but then I'm not forced to deal with much societal pressure at the moment

In my life.....
there are a lot of loose ends, but I guess thats pretty typical.
The sky is not always blue. It really isn't
Birds delight not so much in their flight as they mourn their inability to be grounded.
I do too.

My situation isn't particularly hard to bear as much as the difficult parts are hard to ignore.

I'm not sure if I know how to explain this. Errrr.
Well I was reading the Art of Happiness and it was talking about change having to be slow. And thats not normally how I approach it. So I started getting a little manic because I knew it would be better if I adapt a slower process of change, but I was trying to quickly change the way I change. And it all seemed relevant and scary and confusing.
I'm not sure if I explained that well enough to be appreciated.

Its hard to maintain communication when I'm not aware there's something that isn't mutually understood.

I saw a star falling. That was all it took.

"I hate to see you racking up numbers."
-Mom

Well atleast I'm not so much heartless as reckless. I cried for days.
I can't ignore the fact that, oh i can't say it.

God Bless all of you.

"Something told me to run, and honey you know me, its all or none."

My life is beautiful to me. Emotion is not something to be ashamed of. I am not beaten.

Let the reciprocation take compensation for the weight in between, and we will move on.

For the fact that lately I've been encountering a few things that have told "me" that expression is really key, i remembered that fact and figured that writing in this blog thing (blag) might be helpful. It could be said that I'm doing this to gain recognition for my thoughts, to parade them around(above) other people. I don't really care (sorta) and this point. Some things are pretty important.

Graduation was coo. I got emotional when I saw Kate Hartney, Billy and Brandon for band things. I'll miss them dearly. I'm going to try to keep in contact with them, they feel familiar to me, which I hope doesn't change because its just a time and place thing. Jeff Conway was telling me that you have to be with people not just for convience's sake but because they are your actual friends. It kinda sticks with me, maybe just because it resounds of something I read in "the art of Happiness", cowritten by the Dali Lama.

I'm applying to Marshalls.

I stared down Joe Biden, for what ever reason. I wonder what kind of person gets that far up the ladder. I feel closer to Monkies than I do that rank of government.

Going to the beach this week should be fun, but for the fact I'm spending money that could be used for college. Oh god.

I'm not ashamed that I like self help books. The funny thing is that when I was in the pits of anxiety, when I needed them super a lot, I couldn't get up the courage to go get one. I might have blinked too much at the cash register.

I don't think we notice when it happens, the shift being so gradual. I don't think we see it coming. One day you wake up and you can't relate with yourself. One day you wake up, wanting to escape but the images just aren't there anymore. It's made in red with thickening, crumbling paint. Smearing on the that which no longer looks how it used to.

I'm almost tempted to miss a state of mind that never had any regard for me or my sanity. Gradually I'm taking steps for someone else. I never wanted to take the time to do. Is this compassion? Is this reaction?

Everything's calming for me, but around me there are people having their worst days ever. Super Nova's are nothing, compared to what happens inside. The truth can be held as a candle or a knife. Lovely wax filling in the spaces which mine arms used to grab at and find wanting.

Its not yet May.
Almost.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for everyone taking ap exams.
I've been much bitchier than normal as of late, it kinda bothers me. I'm hoping its just something I need to get out of my system.
I got my senior prom dress! and aim to be giving the junior prom one to charity. (its eco friendly method yaytime) Also I'll write a note in it that boob tape is available for cheapiez at the local target. I told Ms.Brosnan at Junior Prom I had a dilemma with the side boob and I'm pretty sure she'd never had a student say that to her because she was definitely taken off. Sometimes people just don't know how to respond to me.
I make a point to check how many posts I get in a month.
Nick and AlexP came over and they're quite the power struggling duo. Entertaining to listen to. I don't think Nick realized but he flexed fairly often in the situation. hehe.
I'd advise anyone I'm annoyed at not to take personal offense.
Senior week is going to be hilariously conflicted.
I saw neither Lost nor Survivor this week with my mom and am slightly upset, but thoroughly rested.
I should be getting to bed soon.
night :]