So i guess

for now change doesn't seem such a bad thing. For certain reasons. Not all change. I've been wrong about a bunch of things. I need to figure some thinks out. Just interested in where this is taking me. Ah well.

So many questions

I havent posted anything in a while. I'm not sure why. I've had a lot to discuss. But that time is gone, so why ponder upon it?
I ask a lot of questions.
I always have some sort of question in mind about something or another. It gets a little repetitive, especially caus for all my questions I don't have very many answers. Well not nearly as many answers as I would like to have. But then, who is to say that I am not better off not knowing what I want to, the truth has a way of changing people, then again so do lies or misconceptions. I think it all really depends on who you want to be.
I wish I were funnier.
and more interesting.
And although I do want those things, I also do not want to compromise my self identity for them. So i suppose I am here as I am, for the time being.
But thats okay by me.
People really yearn to be understood and accepted. I don't think theres much behind it other than simple human instinct. Acceptence and understanding tend to lead to a greater bond between people, which leads to better protective instincts towards the other person, which would in turn drive people to protect each other. But if we are so geared towards protecting other people who is going to be there to save oneself? Someone else? Is that really a smart thing? Who knows whats best for you other than yourself?
I don't think anyone. And even if they did who would be willing to give up freewill in order to be protected?
In the right circumstances would I?
Well in the past i seem to have not, but then again I have not experienced everything there is to experience. SO I guess I shouldn't be talking, but I am.
Theres a lot else thats been on my mind but I really don't feel like sorting it out right now. So I guess its just there to rot and/or spin around in my self concious mind for a bit. It'll find its way out eventually. I think.
God stupid laziness.

Coming and going.

It seems my life would consist of one freak out after another lately. Maybe that's supposed to mean something, I'm not really sure how to get anything out of anything at the moment. There's a choice I'm not really sure I'm ready to make. And there's something I'm not sure I'm ready to admit.
Perhaps this really could be for the best if I choose it to be, but the thing is I'm not really sure I know what is best right now. I'm terrified. But I can't feel it. I think I completely overloaded my feeling receptors and it needs to take a break. Or maybe theres just too much to feel and this black is just a combination of everything I'm tryint to tell myself.
I think I'll be fine. I think I was fine. I think I'm a hypocrite.
And I'm finally of the edge. What a very long drop. It could be worse.
Well sometimes broken bones come back stronger then they once were.
I'm never going to be perfect.
I hate that.
That is the one thing about me that I actually don't like about myself.
I don't know if im ever going to be okay with that.
But it would appear that ignoring the problem is whats been really eating at me.
Thats why I went into the panic attack. It didn't help I had three people screaming that fact at me. Regardless of whether or not they actually meant it or if they were trying to help or hurt me, I've decided to actually take something from it. But it doesn't seem like they had much of a right to tell me who I should be. It's not like they are any better than me. But I'm not better than them. We just have certain areas where we shine. and apparently they seem to think theirs is more important. Which to be honest kinda pisses me off.
Well anyway, I've decided to take what I can from what they said and the resulting occurences and grow from it. I'm slighty afraid I'm believing it only because they wore me down or to make them see me better, but I kind of want nothing to do with them anymore. So the most likely thing would be that it's because I believe it. I'm not sure they really understood what they were saying anyway. Does anybody ever really understand the full extent of what they are saying?
It is my belief that they don't. But thats okay.
Because everything always can be okay. Depends on ones mindset.
I really think everything is just based off of opinions and opinions change.
I'm going to need to be more careful with myself in this rewiring phase.
Well i guess i saw it coming.

Do not sing, do not sign.

These eyes are wide awake
and though i try
I can not remember
what it feels like
to see the light
behind the broken glass
which seems to now forever
mark a hidden legacy
although I can not remember
the truth between
the eaten words
digested
and deserted

By a loosened body
now absorbig more than its worth
By a faded observation
now losing its life

To become
the fear
to forget the hate behind the meaning

Set free
now ensared
by a fear that can not fade

leave behind
the weight upon its back
shackles for shame
life
not living

To be seen not understood

Beginning
and end
meet in an upset collision
its true
bring it here
don't come near
It's mean to be.
No.
You don't see
what comes before the fated
....no
......no
holy higstrung no

you try to be
but you could never see
the

...say it again

be the heart
you want to see
trust in this
trust in no
bfefore the
dissilusioned
disgusting
disatisfactory
no

your hopes
your hates
is but a congolmerate
of everything you wish
were real
step into the....

don't try
to see what you
could never understand
dont try
to find the lines
between the words
that mean more
than you
could ever
understand

A heart between the lines

Dying trees will wake up in the spring

Won’t you look me in the eyes
And say what you’ve been trying to
Lost in this sea
Of goodbyes
And the shining sky
Lying on your back you see it
What ive been telling you

No need to apologize
You got yourself into this
Broken glass
And faded dreams
Pretty people

Dying trees will wake up in the spring
When you let them
Can you see them yet?
What I told you
Was not a knife
What you sold me
Is still here.

Won’t you wake up?
Will you make another dream
Are you ready?
To find what you’ve been looking for

Baby boy
Please put down your sword
Its not a toy
Tearing up your insides
What are you waiting for

So its broken?
You can put it back together
Where are you going to?

You have a home
You have a heart
You still have hope
You left something behind
You aren’t getting it back
Until you ask.

Incoherent Obscurity

"Stop, I can't do this. I'm not in the right mood. I'm going to fuck it up. It's not worth it. I really don't have the energy to do this. OWWW. Leah let go of me!" I begged the prodding hand that was nudging me towards the door. Unfortunately, she, like everyone else I used to love, would have none of my excuses. She was the type that believed that with enough conviction anyone could overcome any obstacle, including laziness. Such a trait had begun to be seen as the ultimate flaw by anyone I had ever known to exist. So much so that it began to be an excercise to even try to remain useless. It would seem that all my efforts were in vain and that no matter how hard I may have tried to be so, I would have the need to do something forced upon me.
Even if that something is resisting something else.
So much for personal freedoms and everything they entail. I would pin the root of the problem on the fact that no one really could understand that my views would have it that sometimes living well entailed not living at all. Well, really, not living as anyone else would see fit. I really didn't see much point in trying to overcome somethng that had so obviously made me who I was. No matter how many people I might have frustrated in the process. It no longer mattered much to me how many people had lost the will to associate with me, how much I might have alienated myself, how many of my friends has dropped me like a dead weight on a sinking boak. All for the good of the crew, right? A vessel struggling for the right to even stay afloat, let alone thrive, that's exactly what they had become. The ill fated thing that was our circle of friends really didn't have much hope left of a safe arrival at their destination. It's not like anyone even remember where that was, or that was what they were together for.
What ever.
It's not like it was even my circle of friends anymore. Our. Ha. There was no our in my world.
Their would be a better word to say it. But for some reason there is still a twinge of pain each time I further dissassociate myself from them. I can't even really remember what the exact moment was when I began to see through all of them. To hate what I saw. To be disgusted by their pitiful attempt at getting by. At being "true". Pathetic. All of them. But still sometimes when I truly thought about it I wished I could be more like them. Able to forget. Able to pretend.
Perhaps thats why I had come to hate them.
Thinking back I think that might have been the reason. I just wish I could have seen what was coming. Wish I was able to stop the night from falling.

Forgive my bad writing techniques.

To be honest. I'm not being honest at all. I never could be.
I think people are finally catching up to that.
It seems like this world is but an entire act and I'm not even sure whats behind it anymore. But I'm starting to see little parts of the behind the scenes. And Atleast I'm starting to write my own part now.
And I've decided never to delete a single post on this, because even though some of them I'm not proud of them they still are a part of me. And I should never want to forget that.
I've actually started being worried about the past. Which is weird because I thought I'd learn to let go of that. It just kinda came back to bite me in the ass. Maybe it will pass.
Because like, it seems that every choice really does have a tremendous effect on a person. and it seems like the young beginning years of someones life are very defining. And I was a pretty crummy selfish horrible depressed child. But I seem to be growing out of it. Maybe I'll always just move to who I want to be.
Hopefully. Because things in my brain keep getting better and better and more sorted out. And I'm much more comfortable with who I am.
So maybe there really is nothing to worry about.
I'm probably still going to till I find somethng else to think about. To be honest lately I've been quite and idiot.

I really miss having deep conversations with people.
Although everyone around me seems to be conforming with this new method of not ever being serious and although I've kinda picked up that habit, ashamedly. Honestly, it just kinda bothers me sometimes. I'm not sure if I like it or not. Its like my brain won't go on a deeper level anymore. It scares me. That was something about myself I really liked.
Maybe its a muscle that just needs to be worked out again and itll quickly remember after a while.
It's like my brain feels starved.

White out

There a little spot in the earth

I like to call my own

where i learned to forget what I once loved and forgot what I once held dear

When my sight can not extend past this disastor it's best to forget.

When I'm tired and I can't follow through with the promises I made because I can't bend that way

It's simplest to just forget

It's so easy to forget

To forget every belief
slowly
but surely
To forget any former conviction or expectation

Wash it out

All shall turn white

as a blank canvas we are waiting on

or the

words you wrote upon my mouth

and the song you thought you heard

calling your name

A blanket upon the earth

and star upon my shoulder

from what we were
is what we are
to there we return

Extradionarily bound by what we are


White out

Whoops.

I was totally overreacting.
Sorry for putting anyone through the last post that happened to stumble upon it.
God I'm such an overreactive bitch sometimes.
Although I'm kind of glad I got to release all the anger thats been pent up because of a lot of things. Not just that.
It really wasnt just about what i hinted it was about.
I just needed an excuse to freak out.

Pure Fucking Anger. and then some realizations.

I should not be writing anything in such a mood. I want to kill someone. I am the angriest I have been in a very very long time. Something is about to snap.
HOW DARE THEY.
Perhaps I fucking deserve it. I don't fucking care.
Why is everything so counting. Why must ever action be rewarded as so. I take no counts or owes in relationships. Mayeb I do. I'm to angry to see any sense in anything right now. But I can't control myself. I feel like I need to distance myself.
From everything that has been causing harm.
I need to do something. Thats for fucking shit fuck sure.
Maybe I did deserve this.
Why the fuck am I taking this so seriously.
How the fuck did I let it go this fucking far.

(this isnt a poem its a thought process)

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm fucking done.
I have taken my last dose of shit.
From anyone.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm fucking done.
I can't.
I should
Shit
should I
I'm being harsh
overreactive.
This isn't working.
where am i going.
I will not force myself to stay much longer
Will i
oh i probably will
shit.
fuck.
I'm about to break.
I'm getting whats been coming to me.
why do i let myself do this to myself.
Because I'm stopping something even worse from happening. A loss of feeling.
I just wish I could let myself feel a little better at the moment.
I can't think straight.
I just want to scream.
Break
something
myself
Another crack to wear
and try and fix
disguise
Another alteration.
Another choice left to make
to fuck up.
Fuck.

It can get better.
I must believe it can
It fucking must .
It will
If i let it.
All will pass.
If i let it.
This isnt the deepest crack
ive repaired much worse
I must just keeping moving.
forward.
and learn.
and let go.
and let out.
and let in.
but i can never let in.
I've lost trust.
oh its not that bad.
it doesnt have to be this bad.
yes it does.
i need to fix it.
I cant stay like this forever.
its just another choice.
breathe.

It really isnt that bad.
You will contiue living.
And living according to your nature.
and breathing
until you dont
and moving
in some direction
which ever one you choose.
Take a breathe and fix it.
You are not helpless.
you have the power to fix it
and be happy
and move on
and learn
and love.

who is there to love:
yourself. your friends, if you still choose to. anyone you choose to.
What if they hurt me:
you cant continuing living focusing on how not to be hurt. You want to live
dont you?
Yes. I don't know. I don't want to die. I just don't think I'm ready
someday you will be. Why not today?
I don't think I'm ready.
why not?
I'm still going to end up getting really badly hurt, I'm too sensitive.
but you would live so much more. why let the fear of getting hurt stop you from life?
I can't overcome it.
you must.
Must I?
you already have taken a step towards it.
Is it the smartest decision?
perhaps in moderation. you must try to find a balance.
Maybe I will.
pick and choose your battles. some arent worth fighting.
Maybe you are right.

Choices

Baby blue jay asks
and begs
and pleads
and cries
for a different way to go
and life repeating seals
its life
its place
its time
its tune
its no

The fox laying in the shadow
comes along and taps and whispers
but the young heart can not hear

And young is where she stays
and hard the branch remains
she turns and stomps
A fire here is churning

A breeze is here
and then is gone
now forever past
and in the moment it seemed strong
yet in the moment blue jay was wrong

hoping it could catch her
baby falls again
down and down
a frown a frown
can never be
a smile
never seems to be too strong
for a watered down and faded ......
from her tree
and upon a shaking ground

She wanders and shes lost
she cries and is found
Ashamed she hides her face
afraid now of the ground

This world offers her no answer
a solid steady no

here again she finds her friend
although she doesnt see
here again the moments present
a new way to be
or is it old
....stop asking questions
The fox this time climbs up and answers
beneath it he can see
every word she has ever held back
scarred she tries to turn away
a murmer in her ear has hit her
although tonight she has heard his voice
tonight she has found her choice

I remember a time when never meant never
and you promised to you you wouldn't
I remember a place where what you said would correspond with what you said. What what you said always went with what you did. And you said never.
I see your eyes and they hold nothing but a blank agreement. But the past brought to you something more. Something you could never accept.
I see a truth that you will never find, because you have found your reality. A reality that holds back from you its heart.
I find a bruise and its bleeding. And it has bled far too long. But soon it will not.
I find a path and its leading. A broken path. You will fall.
I hear a future flag raising. white and painted pure, but beneath there lies blood.
I hear a terror thats leaving its postion and finding a new home.

So my poetry is in a re working phase
and it kind sucks at the moment.

Constantly a question
Left until I find an answer
Constantly a mumur
Left until I’ve got something to say
As I sit and I wait
As I laugh and its fate
That doesn’t really make sense anymore
I blame it on a servant that doesn’t love its master
Perhaps it could
Clearly it would
If but the master would acknowledge the fight

And yet still the dark will stay
Always night has been that which lets in what I can not destroy
That which has made a fortress
As I sit and watch the castle fade
And the servant betrays the master
I see a face appear into this night
Neither clear nor contrite
You will not make another

And now I’ve seen my lesson
And now I’ve found my light
However dim it may shine
It only needs some wax
It only needs to be dug out
Given oxygen
Allowed to live
and now there is nothing left to give
to the fire that destroyed its life
purging
though at the moment it seemed
........
lost.

hello again dear friend.

I don't know where I should classify all these thoughts that are floating in and out of my mind. Nor do I know whether I should keep them or discard them as waste products of the past. Suprisingly I am actually pretty content with the way my life is turning out, and the recent past events.
Although my brain has been asking a slightly bothering question, I don't think its worth thinking about because I really can not and will not do anything to change it, or if I did I'm not sure it would really be for the best. Well anyway, I figured it was worth putting down because it has been nudging me for a while and anything that persistent should atleast have its debue into the world. All this is to sya that maybe, maybe I really am completely inferior to a lot of people. But I don't think this is so. Maybe I'm not that different from everyone, but I think I might be. No one else really seems to see things the way I do. I really don't think one side is wrong or one side is right, its just what is best for each individual side. I have chosen my path. So I don't think I am, if anyone begs to differ, thats their own opinion.
I'm kind of glad the past has happened becuase its moments like this that make it worth it. Not that this moment should have brought upon this, or well, was expected to, but it has and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Things are finally becoming clear again, I'm so glad. I feel alive again, go figure.
So in the bathroom a day ago it finally hit me that I was indeed in reality. That I was a part of it, that I will be a part of it for for ever how long my part is to be played. Well not played, because I'm not acting.
Not anymore.

Back and Forth

Sitting here
trying to turn away
but the light won't let me go
Nails dug into the tattered arm chair
I can't see anything but the inside of my brain
although even that isn't clear any more

Watch yourself girl
it's all becoming clear
the lights go out
and there are words you won't let yourself hear
that won't stop stinging in your ear
a fuzz
a crackle
a twitch
you won't let yourself feel
when you look in the mirror
and theres a figure looking back
but you don't know her.
You don't know how
These questions you just let slip away
aren't good for you
are they?
You stand at the edge of sanity
tempting things that won't stop you
won't prevent the slip
You can't stay here forever
still you say forever
Upon your words you trip
in which direction?

Why seems to be the best question to ask.

Someday maybe when I look up into the sky it wont be searching.
I've stopped doing a lot of things. And the only thing I've started to do is nothing. Sometimes I try to look forward to tomorrow to think someday that this will all start developing, but I've been thinking that for a very long time. And nothing worth waiting for has happened. Maybe I should try to learn from that, the trouble is I think I've stopped letting myself learn. Or I've tried to tell myself I shouldn't. I'm not sure where my logic lies in this, but its pretty not easy to see.
I don't know when I stopped telling people things, stopped being open.
Yes I do.
It was when I decided people didn't need to know. I didn't need to show people what lies inside, because I see it and thats all that matters.
This may be true in some very select cases, but at the moment I think maybe I shouldn't hold so much back.
Maybe.
Things are getting harder and harder to say and people are moving farther and farther to away.
Today I'm not sure this is where I want to be going. I've got to go another direction because this path wasn't meant to be followed, not by me.
I'm not that girl and I never can be.

Rambles. Shambles, Life.

I don't know why.
I really dont know why everytime i think i must assume i've changed. I think its because I must affirm that time is moving, that it still exists, that I still exist. I really can't put my finger on when i stopped really feeling real. Well kind of real. I still can tell that my brain is moving. But I don't know if its of my own accord. I remember a time when I used to care about being free, now I realize that its impossible to be completely free.
It feels almost as if there is a debt we humans owe to something. Maybe its the price of living, because perhaps in nothingness there is freedom. Although I doubt it. Maybe we are pre existing beings that are put into this form of existence by a choice.
Thats an interesting thought.
I really don't think I mind this feeling so much. I feel free of feeling. Which is a weird state of being, and I realize sometimes I feel, but it helps me not be effected too much by other things. Although I don't see why being effected is so bad, its just another way to pass the time.
Which is probably a very bad attitude for me, but I don't feel upset.
Happy content.
It's weird.
hanging suspended in the air. maybe a wind will come and turn me a different direction.
Maybe not.
I'm not sure it really matters.

So last night was the first time i slept in the dark in a very very very long time. Last night it felt like something snapped.
I really don't know what yet.
Well I probably do, I'll just have to search deeper to find it, and i really don't care at the moment.
Why don't I care?
I dont know.

A room.

A room.
A room with circles
circles of nothing
nothing wishing is whas something
sometihng that really is just nothing
nothing would change
change is for the worst
worst is the opposite of best
best is were it wants to be
being must exist
existence is nothing
nothing will ever move
move into something
you cant create something out of nothing.

I don't know what to talk about, but I want to talk about something.
Bleghhhhhhhhh.
I wish I had a little better control over my brain, or more understanding of the world around me. Maybe someday I will.
So math class produces some of my best pieces of writing. I think its because in those moments of pure logic my brain realizes how much it hates organized thinking.
You know when you tell yourself you shouldn't think about something, and you promise yourself you won't and you know that it's a bad idea to, but you do anyway.
I really miss somethings.
I know I shouldn't.
I have opinions but I can't always follow them. Maybe I'm missing something. Whatever. I really don't think it matters in the first place, I just like to pretend that it does. Maybe the fact that I know I'm pretending makes me more realistic, maybe it makes me crazy. I really don't know. I'd like to think that it just makes me more realistic. But that really is kind of a morbid thought. It really is. Because that means that people arent experiencing true reality and there is just a web of lies and misconceptions that entangle and esnare everyone. That means its going to be hard to find the truth. Which is what i'd like to think I'm after.

Jumping thoughts.

Sometimes it takes a while to see sense.
I think I've found it. Whatever the hell sense is supposed to mean these days. I've been thinking a lot about morals. And the way things have to be. And how people can fuck up so much with so little time to do so.
and man, people really can fuck a situation up. Or maybe the fucking up isn't really fucking up, its just, well a neccesary step in not fucking up. And is fucking up really that bad?
I don't think so, because well, what happens really can't be undone, unless one owns a time machine, and even if one didown a time machine, would changing things change things for the worse.
What really is the worse?
Sure maybe it is the worse in one point of view, but there are many points of view.
Perhaps things that turn forthe worst disagree with the most amount of peoples points of views. But then there are many public opinions that are just plain ass shitty.
And the pubic can be swayed quite easily. How the hell else could a spanish inquisition or a hollocoust happen. I think i spelled hollocoust wrong.

I once wrote someone a really emotional letter that explained everything.
I still have it somewhere.
Maybe I should have given him it, although common sense says that would be a really bad decision. Like really really bad.
But thats only because I still kind of care about it.

Not caring seems to be a very big defense in a lot of peoples care. I wonder if its possible to care about everythin, although I think that the person who did all the caring wouldnt really last very long.

The elite really bother me, but thats probably becuase I'm not among them. Poor people really don't matter to me, thats probably because I'm a middle class citizen.

I think thats about all thats on my mind.

Capturing feelings

Sometimes i let myself go to a point where I must make a choice that wouldn't have been possible had the going not been gone. And by going I mean mental pain. And by mental I mean to a point of complete hopelessness and pointless that corrupts every feeling receptor in my body. And by that i mean its not that bad.
But this is writing.
And hurting still hurts.
And thats still the only words that I can allow to define this situation.
Have you ever been among friends and felt completely alone?
I don't think it can go much further.
It's always a goodbye, thats the only way I know how to fix anything.
But goobyes always mean hello.
The point it really boils down to is if the hello really would be worth the goodbye.
and if i have it in me.
I dont think i have it in me.
I have to have it in me.
Do I?

What are you supposed to do when you can't find the answers to questions you just don't know how to ask.
I don't know.

But then again nothing really is that known.

Have you ever put your self in pain in order to make sure you're still feeling.
Have you ever contemplated puting a gun to your head just to make sure you wouldnt pull the trigger.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't care.

Just once

A smile on his face appeared the moment he saw me walk into the room. A smile was all that it took to know the truth, however far we had run from it before. It was a peace treaty at the end of the war. It was the light at the end of the tunnel, however cliche that may seem, however little he deserved cliches. As soon as it had formed across his face I knew that he had never intended to go as far as he had, and that he hadn't intentionally lied about this. I will admit that at this part in the story I had expected something more...loud, but the silence was perfect despite my expectations. With it, I was reminded not of this forced thing life had become but the beautiful thing it started out as. It was clear now that he didn't expect me to forgive him, there was nothing to forgive in the first place. The simple truth was he couldn't force it anymore.
And then he pulled the trigger.

Realization

So I'm actually not as mad as I thought I was. Just afraid. And overreactant.

Very overreactant.

I think I get it from my mother.

But I shouldn't blame her.

I don't really know if there is really anyone to blame, even myself, because can people really chose their personalities when it comes down to it? Yes we can change ourselves, but we are all given some basics.

As for now its just a basic that a have to deal with.

So there was this quote from a short movie about marbury vs. madison that reallly struct home. i even wrote it down. "Peace is not the absence of conflict but rather the ability to cope with it."

In my opinion humans are always with war at themselves, its a matter or heart vs. head. Sometimes the head wins and the heart becomes defeated, giving up the fight but for a few rare occasions. At other times the heart is the winner and the head is lost.

But i feel bad for people like that, neither of those...well not really options or choices...I guess they would be possible occurences seem like living to me. What is life without utter feeling?

What is a life without constant pain without the head?

But those with slightly equal yet completely opposite parts (the heart and head) seem to be fated to constantly struggle with themselves. With each fight each side learning a little more about how to cope with the other side. Or with one side winning and the other losing ground, with becomes dangerous when one side looses to much and become no more than a faded memory.

And i made this a draft a few days ago because it didn't seem finished. Which is funny because today i kinda got the end for it.

I was watching this show that randomly popped up on the tv, which i dont watch often, about Batman and the psychology of it. It went on to say that there is a lot of different opinions over which persona of Bruce wayne is the real man.

Batman or Bruce Wayne?

I came to the conclusion that it was Batman. I'm sure this is important, I just don't really have a reason yet. Perhaps it's that i believe the person we chose to be not who we are in the begining is what makes us us. And well, Batman was always in Bruce Wayne, he just had to find a way to let him free.

If that makes any sense.

The Hidden

Alone in a room
one foot out the door
and one hand clutching to a wall
that's somehow clutching firmly back
I can't remember rooms having arms before

Looking the celling
watching things that never got to be
break free from their hold
feeling for once a thing that I could always see
going round the ring
is there no escape?
it's always safe
safe from everything but me

It' just a room
but rooms can hold a lot

Fighting shadows that creep along
flickering through the light
Its just this room and me
Right?

Perhaps the time has come to find a way
to leave behind the warmth, the light and this solid safety net
because sometimes what lies in the dark
can set you free.

No idea

Why I write things I don't mean. And say things I don't mean. And think things I don't really believe.
I need to figure this shit out
and learn to control my mouth.
and mostly figure this shit out.

Adressed to no one in particular.

A heart can only forgive so many times before it learns to close itself off to a transgression. So much hurt, so many times, it suprising that I can even care about it anymore.
And still they seem to think they deserve to be forgiven, without even seeing the effect it has taken within me. I used to be so venerable to people and their actions, so ready to trust again and again. I can't this time. Its the final straw. I will not be forgotten again and continue to place these people as a priority. Call it being passive and giving up, lack of dedication.
I know what I'm saying is a load of bullshit, but i will allow myself a moment or too of believing what I'm saying, thinking I'm at some epiphany.
I know I'm not.
Then why is it that when I look at them my heart feels nothing?
I used to care, care about people. I feel no motivation any more towards these beings, no compassion for those in tough spots within themselves.
They should fucking grow up.
Stop bringing others down.
Just leave me alone if you were expecting some help.
I'm through with giving my entire being to people who can not appreciate nor even see what is going on. Idiots.
And yet I can not stop myself.
Perhaps I am the idiot thinking I am above them, perhaps I am on a level below them.
I'm at a level I'm comfortable with. Fuck them.

So I realize I'm overreacting. Completely. But something just kind of snapped today. I'm so tired of being dragged down by others and their negativity and begging of me to agree with them. Being molded by thoughts other than myself. I manage to pull myself out of it and I'm sucked right back in the moment I try to focuss on something else.
Stupid old habitts.
I really don't need it.
And yet i feel as if I'm chained down by those i care about.
So tired of forgetting when its important and remembering when I'm drowning in depths I could have avoided had my brain just remembered.
Why can't I remember?
Perhaps it's best to forget.
It's sometime unavoidable.

And here is an inespacable conclusion that I've been trying to avoid for a very long time.
I'm not a people person.
Why do I want to be?

Can a man change his stars?

How do you say goodbye to a past that has made you what you are? I feel as if I am at a crucial turning point, realizing that sometimes it's the times we turn to face a new direction that our lives pick up. Somehow or another I feel as if I've been at a standstill for so long, thinking I was moving, only to now find I'm in the same spot I've been in for forever.
Can a man change their stars? Does a man have stars to change?
I used to believe so much in fate, but now I cannot begin to even think that this life is so planned out. Yes, what has happened must have happened, unless we are all just fed the past through tubes as we lie on beds made for us by some beings that are feeding off of our existence.
But that thought is for another day.
Anyway, who is to say what the next day will bring. If we are to believe we have free will, how can the future be planned out? The way I see it, humans either are willess beings manipulated by some greater force, or we are free beings without a set future.
I'd rather be free then safely set into a future.
Although sometimes I long to be safe, I realize this is not an option. I could never give up myself to secure a future. A future without the self, is not a future that can exist for who I am. Perhaps to the creature I would become. But I fear that self.

No Name(part 4) ((Fear not))

I turn away to face you
you turn away from me
do you see
do you see
you think this is what you want
you say this is what you need
still
you cannot face the fear
made when the night was young
nor drive away
the itching of your tongue
to taste this dreamt of day
oh you sit and pray
it will come your way
you'd better hope
this threat just goes away
Rocking your boat
it casts you overboard
from a soft touch
to a hardened toss
you'd better hope
this storm will pass away

No Name(prt 3)

I cling to words
whispered in my ear
words so desperatly
I have longed to hear
so secretly I have known
that they could be wrong
but at this moment
there is only abandon
abandon to this thing that
wishes me no wrong
or so I wish
I wish to long

No Name(prt 2)

Always alone
I am a part of this earth
and what I am
shall not belong to me
nor anyone
and back then i did not belong

In the end I go where my fathers have gone
For now i stand upon their backs
as my sons shall stand on mine
My daughters will forever tower above me
and yet we are at a standstill
hand in hand
on the same level
and yet so far away

No name

So many things beneath this
always just beneath
Don't know if i could or should
I do not think I can
Pushing, prying, these misplaced invasions never reach their mark
you never learn
all of you
we never learn

It's a layer
within a layer
within ten more
and we know them all
or nearly all
yet can not clearly form a puzzle
not even one in one

My belief
is that when the day is done
there will always be a new day
until there is not
but that is none of our concern

I see you as you are
not as you are seen, but
how you will be seen
Do you know the truth?
although only mine
although only this moment's

Can you see
the sun beneath the shadow
and the rock lying under the sun?

Tell me where you go
when all preconcieved notions have left
and you stand alone

Who

9 after two
the clock strikes three once more
though its not what
its supposed to do
clock it at five
and count it at two
begin where you started
and start all anew

Lady time
brings not this at 9
lady time
doesn't care for your dime

Bring it back
to the old days
way back when we met
the road at out feet
and our feet with a torn

a blessing in disguise

We can't
We won't
we shouldn't
We don't
Although we still try
if that is what it's called
Bring it back
to the days when i meant what i said when i said
two was three

it becomes three once more

Too much to remember
when can't meets don't
when the road becomes a fire
we can never put it out
we can't go back

Numb

Waking up to just another day
its just another day
mornings are so numb
dont want to be numb
not anymore
every one that greets this morning
tells me ive gone wrong
But i look aorund
and all i see
are people living to be
something they've never seen

You can't turn what's blue to red
and you can't make a tide do anything else
but what its supposed to do.
You can't lean on a blade of grass
without pulling it down

Here we are born
and there we will stay
mask it however you will
chase things you don't understand
no one does
so i guess i shouldn't speak.

So i guess i should speak.

Oh so distored
are the tears that run down a broken face

At least I can admit
Oh so selfish
you can't stand on your own
it rips us apart
and sews us yet together
which is the same
I suppose if this is what you want
have what you want.

Always at Two

Roses return every year
the bells rings every day
always at two
always the same
nothing ever happens here
the tides fall in and go back
again
the seasons change always when the should
nothing ever changes here
every time something goes

another day is let in
and then the night
sometimes there are stars
sometimes there are clouds
nothing ever breaks here
not unless its told

Sometimes it comes earlier
sometimes not at all
the routine is known
it does not leave
here to stay
it has always been that way

New airs come
they run their course
the old ones cannot stay
and still they remain
it has always been this way
this way it will remain
subject to something
even if it is nothing
which never changes

Sometimes the path is slow
sometimes is carries us along
and through this there is no change.

Spotlight

Que the spotlight

standing there a lonely figure

arms folded

legs apart

body shivering

Silent the confused crowd watches

seconds turn into minutes

and still the body stands

just shaking

murmers chase the silence

a cough

a stifled laugh

Disruption

the figure crumbles down

louder whispers

Penetrate

he tries to speak

simple blabering is let out

Uncomprehendable

they don't know a soul is being put on parade

no masquerade

only a stage

a figure

a sound without assigned message

and a spotlight