Pure Fucking Anger. and then some realizations.

I should not be writing anything in such a mood. I want to kill someone. I am the angriest I have been in a very very long time. Something is about to snap.
HOW DARE THEY.
Perhaps I fucking deserve it. I don't fucking care.
Why is everything so counting. Why must ever action be rewarded as so. I take no counts or owes in relationships. Mayeb I do. I'm to angry to see any sense in anything right now. But I can't control myself. I feel like I need to distance myself.
From everything that has been causing harm.
I need to do something. Thats for fucking shit fuck sure.
Maybe I did deserve this.
Why the fuck am I taking this so seriously.
How the fuck did I let it go this fucking far.

(this isnt a poem its a thought process)

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm fucking done.
I have taken my last dose of shit.
From anyone.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm fucking done.
I can't.
I should
Shit
should I
I'm being harsh
overreactive.
This isn't working.
where am i going.
I will not force myself to stay much longer
Will i
oh i probably will
shit.
fuck.
I'm about to break.
I'm getting whats been coming to me.
why do i let myself do this to myself.
Because I'm stopping something even worse from happening. A loss of feeling.
I just wish I could let myself feel a little better at the moment.
I can't think straight.
I just want to scream.
Break
something
myself
Another crack to wear
and try and fix
disguise
Another alteration.
Another choice left to make
to fuck up.
Fuck.

It can get better.
I must believe it can
It fucking must .
It will
If i let it.
All will pass.
If i let it.
This isnt the deepest crack
ive repaired much worse
I must just keeping moving.
forward.
and learn.
and let go.
and let out.
and let in.
but i can never let in.
I've lost trust.
oh its not that bad.
it doesnt have to be this bad.
yes it does.
i need to fix it.
I cant stay like this forever.
its just another choice.
breathe.

It really isnt that bad.
You will contiue living.
And living according to your nature.
and breathing
until you dont
and moving
in some direction
which ever one you choose.
Take a breathe and fix it.
You are not helpless.
you have the power to fix it
and be happy
and move on
and learn
and love.

who is there to love:
yourself. your friends, if you still choose to. anyone you choose to.
What if they hurt me:
you cant continuing living focusing on how not to be hurt. You want to live
dont you?
Yes. I don't know. I don't want to die. I just don't think I'm ready
someday you will be. Why not today?
I don't think I'm ready.
why not?
I'm still going to end up getting really badly hurt, I'm too sensitive.
but you would live so much more. why let the fear of getting hurt stop you from life?
I can't overcome it.
you must.
Must I?
you already have taken a step towards it.
Is it the smartest decision?
perhaps in moderation. you must try to find a balance.
Maybe I will.
pick and choose your battles. some arent worth fighting.
Maybe you are right.