White out

There a little spot in the earth

I like to call my own

where i learned to forget what I once loved and forgot what I once held dear

When my sight can not extend past this disastor it's best to forget.

When I'm tired and I can't follow through with the promises I made because I can't bend that way

It's simplest to just forget

It's so easy to forget

To forget every belief
slowly
but surely
To forget any former conviction or expectation

Wash it out

All shall turn white

as a blank canvas we are waiting on

or the

words you wrote upon my mouth

and the song you thought you heard

calling your name

A blanket upon the earth

and star upon my shoulder

from what we were
is what we are
to there we return

Extradionarily bound by what we are


White out

Whoops.

I was totally overreacting.
Sorry for putting anyone through the last post that happened to stumble upon it.
God I'm such an overreactive bitch sometimes.
Although I'm kind of glad I got to release all the anger thats been pent up because of a lot of things. Not just that.
It really wasnt just about what i hinted it was about.
I just needed an excuse to freak out.

Pure Fucking Anger. and then some realizations.

I should not be writing anything in such a mood. I want to kill someone. I am the angriest I have been in a very very long time. Something is about to snap.
HOW DARE THEY.
Perhaps I fucking deserve it. I don't fucking care.
Why is everything so counting. Why must ever action be rewarded as so. I take no counts or owes in relationships. Mayeb I do. I'm to angry to see any sense in anything right now. But I can't control myself. I feel like I need to distance myself.
From everything that has been causing harm.
I need to do something. Thats for fucking shit fuck sure.
Maybe I did deserve this.
Why the fuck am I taking this so seriously.
How the fuck did I let it go this fucking far.

(this isnt a poem its a thought process)

Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
I'm fucking done.
I have taken my last dose of shit.
From anyone.
I'm done.
I'm done.
I'm fucking done.
I can't.
I should
Shit
should I
I'm being harsh
overreactive.
This isn't working.
where am i going.
I will not force myself to stay much longer
Will i
oh i probably will
shit.
fuck.
I'm about to break.
I'm getting whats been coming to me.
why do i let myself do this to myself.
Because I'm stopping something even worse from happening. A loss of feeling.
I just wish I could let myself feel a little better at the moment.
I can't think straight.
I just want to scream.
Break
something
myself
Another crack to wear
and try and fix
disguise
Another alteration.
Another choice left to make
to fuck up.
Fuck.

It can get better.
I must believe it can
It fucking must .
It will
If i let it.
All will pass.
If i let it.
This isnt the deepest crack
ive repaired much worse
I must just keeping moving.
forward.
and learn.
and let go.
and let out.
and let in.
but i can never let in.
I've lost trust.
oh its not that bad.
it doesnt have to be this bad.
yes it does.
i need to fix it.
I cant stay like this forever.
its just another choice.
breathe.

It really isnt that bad.
You will contiue living.
And living according to your nature.
and breathing
until you dont
and moving
in some direction
which ever one you choose.
Take a breathe and fix it.
You are not helpless.
you have the power to fix it
and be happy
and move on
and learn
and love.

who is there to love:
yourself. your friends, if you still choose to. anyone you choose to.
What if they hurt me:
you cant continuing living focusing on how not to be hurt. You want to live
dont you?
Yes. I don't know. I don't want to die. I just don't think I'm ready
someday you will be. Why not today?
I don't think I'm ready.
why not?
I'm still going to end up getting really badly hurt, I'm too sensitive.
but you would live so much more. why let the fear of getting hurt stop you from life?
I can't overcome it.
you must.
Must I?
you already have taken a step towards it.
Is it the smartest decision?
perhaps in moderation. you must try to find a balance.
Maybe I will.
pick and choose your battles. some arent worth fighting.
Maybe you are right.

Choices

Baby blue jay asks
and begs
and pleads
and cries
for a different way to go
and life repeating seals
its life
its place
its time
its tune
its no

The fox laying in the shadow
comes along and taps and whispers
but the young heart can not hear

And young is where she stays
and hard the branch remains
she turns and stomps
A fire here is churning

A breeze is here
and then is gone
now forever past
and in the moment it seemed strong
yet in the moment blue jay was wrong

hoping it could catch her
baby falls again
down and down
a frown a frown
can never be
a smile
never seems to be too strong
for a watered down and faded ......
from her tree
and upon a shaking ground

She wanders and shes lost
she cries and is found
Ashamed she hides her face
afraid now of the ground

This world offers her no answer
a solid steady no

here again she finds her friend
although she doesnt see
here again the moments present
a new way to be
or is it old
....stop asking questions
The fox this time climbs up and answers
beneath it he can see
every word she has ever held back
scarred she tries to turn away
a murmer in her ear has hit her
although tonight she has heard his voice
tonight she has found her choice

I remember a time when never meant never
and you promised to you you wouldn't
I remember a place where what you said would correspond with what you said. What what you said always went with what you did. And you said never.
I see your eyes and they hold nothing but a blank agreement. But the past brought to you something more. Something you could never accept.
I see a truth that you will never find, because you have found your reality. A reality that holds back from you its heart.
I find a bruise and its bleeding. And it has bled far too long. But soon it will not.
I find a path and its leading. A broken path. You will fall.
I hear a future flag raising. white and painted pure, but beneath there lies blood.
I hear a terror thats leaving its postion and finding a new home.

So my poetry is in a re working phase
and it kind sucks at the moment.

Constantly a question
Left until I find an answer
Constantly a mumur
Left until I’ve got something to say
As I sit and I wait
As I laugh and its fate
That doesn’t really make sense anymore
I blame it on a servant that doesn’t love its master
Perhaps it could
Clearly it would
If but the master would acknowledge the fight

And yet still the dark will stay
Always night has been that which lets in what I can not destroy
That which has made a fortress
As I sit and watch the castle fade
And the servant betrays the master
I see a face appear into this night
Neither clear nor contrite
You will not make another

And now I’ve seen my lesson
And now I’ve found my light
However dim it may shine
It only needs some wax
It only needs to be dug out
Given oxygen
Allowed to live
and now there is nothing left to give
to the fire that destroyed its life
purging
though at the moment it seemed
........
lost.

hello again dear friend.

I don't know where I should classify all these thoughts that are floating in and out of my mind. Nor do I know whether I should keep them or discard them as waste products of the past. Suprisingly I am actually pretty content with the way my life is turning out, and the recent past events.
Although my brain has been asking a slightly bothering question, I don't think its worth thinking about because I really can not and will not do anything to change it, or if I did I'm not sure it would really be for the best. Well anyway, I figured it was worth putting down because it has been nudging me for a while and anything that persistent should atleast have its debue into the world. All this is to sya that maybe, maybe I really am completely inferior to a lot of people. But I don't think this is so. Maybe I'm not that different from everyone, but I think I might be. No one else really seems to see things the way I do. I really don't think one side is wrong or one side is right, its just what is best for each individual side. I have chosen my path. So I don't think I am, if anyone begs to differ, thats their own opinion.
I'm kind of glad the past has happened becuase its moments like this that make it worth it. Not that this moment should have brought upon this, or well, was expected to, but it has and I'm perfectly fine with that.
Things are finally becoming clear again, I'm so glad. I feel alive again, go figure.
So in the bathroom a day ago it finally hit me that I was indeed in reality. That I was a part of it, that I will be a part of it for for ever how long my part is to be played. Well not played, because I'm not acting.
Not anymore.

Back and Forth

Sitting here
trying to turn away
but the light won't let me go
Nails dug into the tattered arm chair
I can't see anything but the inside of my brain
although even that isn't clear any more

Watch yourself girl
it's all becoming clear
the lights go out
and there are words you won't let yourself hear
that won't stop stinging in your ear
a fuzz
a crackle
a twitch
you won't let yourself feel
when you look in the mirror
and theres a figure looking back
but you don't know her.
You don't know how
These questions you just let slip away
aren't good for you
are they?
You stand at the edge of sanity
tempting things that won't stop you
won't prevent the slip
You can't stay here forever
still you say forever
Upon your words you trip
in which direction?

Why seems to be the best question to ask.

Someday maybe when I look up into the sky it wont be searching.
I've stopped doing a lot of things. And the only thing I've started to do is nothing. Sometimes I try to look forward to tomorrow to think someday that this will all start developing, but I've been thinking that for a very long time. And nothing worth waiting for has happened. Maybe I should try to learn from that, the trouble is I think I've stopped letting myself learn. Or I've tried to tell myself I shouldn't. I'm not sure where my logic lies in this, but its pretty not easy to see.
I don't know when I stopped telling people things, stopped being open.
Yes I do.
It was when I decided people didn't need to know. I didn't need to show people what lies inside, because I see it and thats all that matters.
This may be true in some very select cases, but at the moment I think maybe I shouldn't hold so much back.
Maybe.
Things are getting harder and harder to say and people are moving farther and farther to away.
Today I'm not sure this is where I want to be going. I've got to go another direction because this path wasn't meant to be followed, not by me.
I'm not that girl and I never can be.

Rambles. Shambles, Life.

I don't know why.
I really dont know why everytime i think i must assume i've changed. I think its because I must affirm that time is moving, that it still exists, that I still exist. I really can't put my finger on when i stopped really feeling real. Well kind of real. I still can tell that my brain is moving. But I don't know if its of my own accord. I remember a time when I used to care about being free, now I realize that its impossible to be completely free.
It feels almost as if there is a debt we humans owe to something. Maybe its the price of living, because perhaps in nothingness there is freedom. Although I doubt it. Maybe we are pre existing beings that are put into this form of existence by a choice.
Thats an interesting thought.
I really don't think I mind this feeling so much. I feel free of feeling. Which is a weird state of being, and I realize sometimes I feel, but it helps me not be effected too much by other things. Although I don't see why being effected is so bad, its just another way to pass the time.
Which is probably a very bad attitude for me, but I don't feel upset.
Happy content.
It's weird.
hanging suspended in the air. maybe a wind will come and turn me a different direction.
Maybe not.
I'm not sure it really matters.

So last night was the first time i slept in the dark in a very very very long time. Last night it felt like something snapped.
I really don't know what yet.
Well I probably do, I'll just have to search deeper to find it, and i really don't care at the moment.
Why don't I care?
I dont know.

A room.

A room.
A room with circles
circles of nothing
nothing wishing is whas something
sometihng that really is just nothing
nothing would change
change is for the worst
worst is the opposite of best
best is were it wants to be
being must exist
existence is nothing
nothing will ever move
move into something
you cant create something out of nothing.