What odd things happen when not expected. Hmm. I contemplate who I was a month and a half ago. That self is so different, I think I am coming to terms with who I am. I've been running for such a long time. But that is lofty, to say that I even know exactly who I am. I know this moment, well enough. That is a relative sentence., Don't know if I used that in the right context. I like today. I have had four hours of sleep, seems so cruel but really its not so bad. I complain to myself a lot unnecessarily. Oh addiction. I feel as if I am addicted to the emotions which rack me and leave as they will/are permitted to.
I over estimate and under estimate control so much. I don't know if other people do as much as I do. I hope not. Well of course some people do, but you know what I mean.
My sister asked me what I was afraid of. I found an answer I haven't been letting myself admit, although it's not complicated and its not that hidden.
Myself.
I am terrified of myself. Isn't that weird? Maybe that is another over-reaction. And its not the only piece of the puzzle in the two ways I can fathom this statement could pertain to.
Now, I'm definitely not claiming I know everything or even anything, or that I have anything definitely figured out, after all these are just random floating thoughts.
What does that exactly mean anyway in context? I have not thought it over that much.
Funny.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Really bad short story
By the edge of the silhouetted universe a figure sat with its knees surrounded by its arms. In contrast to the reflection in the water, the eyes of the mysterious being seemed stopped, almost dead but not quite so far gone. She seemed like a creation dissatisfied by her attempts to mimic that which made her. In that she also differed from the personified water. The universe could never be forced into the pond feeding into a tumultuous waterfall, but that is what it meant to the character. The dim globes in the sockets of her contemplative head took in everything and slowly tore it apart, without her awareness, reforming it into something completely unrelated apart from that which she had forced to seem a link between the two.
She sat and dreamt of things befitting another worldly creature. Some thought that was what she was. From all that can be seen without prying into mechanisms far too dangerous to be known (or made, which one it is shall never be known) though, see was not. If the world had the eyes she supposed it did, she would have been in trouble. Once upon a star, her mind working in conjunction with a very indescribable set of circumstances had come to believe that all done by her was admirable; that she was the utmost delight to anyone watching.
[If you can not tell, this writing has a strong tone suggesting relevance to perception]
A boy came up to the stranger in the wood sitting down next the the pond leading into a waterfall that could be thought of as an allegory to the universe and all (or a few) of the ways it works.
Observable to none but the birds, who only cared about the two because they could in the future pose as a food source or a danger, the two began an interesting dialouge.
"Excuse me."
"what?"
"why do you sit here and not move all day everyday?"
"What else is there to do?"
"That."
"Excuse me?"
"Just that. I would have you do something."
"I am."
"You are being counter productive, you do nothing of worth and so you do nothing."
"But by doing nothing I would be doing something. You can't actually do nothing."
"You know what I mean."
"I try not to assume."
"Obviously you are failing."
"I never said I succeeded."
"Then what is the point of trying?"
"Whats the use in not? I apply effort when it would seem worthy enough."
"Worthy? You are no god."
"We are all co-creators of our own world."
"WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING A LOT?"
"No need to get forceful."
"I will do what I like. Now if you would be so kind as to answer my question."
"It is who I am to observe. That is not to say I do so well, or that I do not miss out on other things by following my nature as I have found it. But the world is my own an that which I have thought is my home."
He then preceded to walk off. The boy had decided early in life it was his mission to pass judgement on all whom he found along his "path" in life. He didn't like to call it a path because that had too many connotations to destiny, which he thought was a load of poppycock.
[Interpret me!]
He could hold his ground in any discussion, he just rarely willed to. A firm believer in action which could be observed from his previous discussion with the pond girl, he could stand for no one who stood still too long.
She sat and dreamt of things befitting another worldly creature. Some thought that was what she was. From all that can be seen without prying into mechanisms far too dangerous to be known (or made, which one it is shall never be known) though, see was not. If the world had the eyes she supposed it did, she would have been in trouble. Once upon a star, her mind working in conjunction with a very indescribable set of circumstances had come to believe that all done by her was admirable; that she was the utmost delight to anyone watching.
[If you can not tell, this writing has a strong tone suggesting relevance to perception]
A boy came up to the stranger in the wood sitting down next the the pond leading into a waterfall that could be thought of as an allegory to the universe and all (or a few) of the ways it works.
Observable to none but the birds, who only cared about the two because they could in the future pose as a food source or a danger, the two began an interesting dialouge.
"Excuse me."
"what?"
"why do you sit here and not move all day everyday?"
"What else is there to do?"
"That."
"Excuse me?"
"Just that. I would have you do something."
"I am."
"You are being counter productive, you do nothing of worth and so you do nothing."
"But by doing nothing I would be doing something. You can't actually do nothing."
"You know what I mean."
"I try not to assume."
"Obviously you are failing."
"I never said I succeeded."
"Then what is the point of trying?"
"Whats the use in not? I apply effort when it would seem worthy enough."
"Worthy? You are no god."
"We are all co-creators of our own world."
"WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING A LOT?"
"No need to get forceful."
"I will do what I like. Now if you would be so kind as to answer my question."
"It is who I am to observe. That is not to say I do so well, or that I do not miss out on other things by following my nature as I have found it. But the world is my own an that which I have thought is my home."
He then preceded to walk off. The boy had decided early in life it was his mission to pass judgement on all whom he found along his "path" in life. He didn't like to call it a path because that had too many connotations to destiny, which he thought was a load of poppycock.
[Interpret me!]
He could hold his ground in any discussion, he just rarely willed to. A firm believer in action which could be observed from his previous discussion with the pond girl, he could stand for no one who stood still too long.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Moving on.
Walking
bring one foot ahead.
left catch up!
surpassed.
don't get left behind little one.
Art thou stuck?
PULL HARDER.
Rip it out.
remove you from stationary
"Floop"
Now then do you find yourself unable to keep pace?
"this is not a race"
still, who will finish first?
does then something pick this up and
end the allotted path.
Remembering the origin
almost as false (well faulty) as predicting the outcome
o portray my surprise
feet keep moving without ground
have I learned to slide?
Loss of control
shakes me
I quake in
loss of heart
for a battle
bring sword rain and sorrow
And have I found my answer yet?
crumble into ash
flame scorns me
scores across my body swore they never have or will matter
forgive her soul.
letting go
bring one foot ahead.
left catch up!
surpassed.
don't get left behind little one.
Art thou stuck?
PULL HARDER.
Rip it out.
remove you from stationary
"Floop"
Now then do you find yourself unable to keep pace?
"this is not a race"
still, who will finish first?
does then something pick this up and
end the allotted path.
Remembering the origin
almost as false (well faulty) as predicting the outcome
o portray my surprise
feet keep moving without ground
have I learned to slide?
Loss of control
shakes me
I quake in
loss of heart
for a battle
bring sword rain and sorrow
And have I found my answer yet?
crumble into ash
flame scorns me
scores across my body swore they never have or will matter
forgive her soul.
letting go
Monday, June 22, 2009
Blurp.
Weirdest feeling today.
I felt like my nerves were being pulled through my cognitive area of my brain, straight out.
Why do I feel these things when I'm not high? Its so absurd.
I still feel weird, like I'm on something, but I know I'm not so I just don't know what to think.
My brain feels like its being slowed down, it feels clear or cut off. I'm not sure which one is more accurate.
I have experienced something like this so I know it will go away, but it's just really annoying at the moment.
I felt like my nerves were being pulled through my cognitive area of my brain, straight out.
Why do I feel these things when I'm not high? Its so absurd.
I still feel weird, like I'm on something, but I know I'm not so I just don't know what to think.
My brain feels like its being slowed down, it feels clear or cut off. I'm not sure which one is more accurate.
I have experienced something like this so I know it will go away, but it's just really annoying at the moment.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I actually had a slightly productive day although it was spent entirely on my own unless you count texting and facechat as real human interaction.
I
1.finished a book(first book of the summer)
2.Started a new one and kind of understood its crazy science.
3.cleaned my room for realsies. (kind of.)
4.found new music
5.has several realizations (each day is taking its own slow pace of normalling out mood-wise)(thanks to the new book and other various events/people these past few days)
6.drank tea outside in the dark, saw my first fireflies of the summer under candle light while reading
7.did super calming yoga
I was so restless until the last two, but I am happy regardless.
I
1.finished a book(first book of the summer)
2.Started a new one and kind of understood its crazy science.
3.cleaned my room for realsies. (kind of.)
4.found new music
5.has several realizations (each day is taking its own slow pace of normalling out mood-wise)(thanks to the new book and other various events/people these past few days)
6.drank tea outside in the dark, saw my first fireflies of the summer under candle light while reading
7.did super calming yoga
I was so restless until the last two, but I am happy regardless.
Love
i dont think the problem with saying love is with the quantity so much as the quality and the definition.
Mean it.
Mean it.
Friday, June 19, 2009
LaDeDah
So life moves on, with or without me. Weird. What an odd concept to grasp, the sheer lack of influence I have, the lack of say I have in matters that effect me, the inescapable dilemmas which hold no answer. Sure, in a very tiny way I can be a catalyst, and there are certain people I temporarily affect(hopefully positively). And we do and we do not make a difference, depending on what you count as a difference and what is just....well I don't know.
Daily I find more fragility inside of me, how corruptible I am, how I've always had a decent helping of negative. It really is just quite silly that I need to discover this, (again) that it never was/has remained apparent. Although not always.
I guess I just prefer living in, well, a softer world. But that isn't always true.
Thats okay though.
To be honest I feel slightly uncomfortable revealing my faults and naivety.
Its so easy to temporarily forget the little things that make us uneasy, but they are so harshly reinforced. Harsh being a relative term.
I wouldn't say I've become afraid of some of my potential, but I definitely am much more aware of it, to say the least.
Resigning, accepting and giving up are so similar and easily mixed up. The difference though, oh man.
Oh man.
I am so fearful of the future. Vaguely, I remember mr.koccur mentioning that which scares us is the unknown. He couldn't be more right in my case. Except maybe losing control. How childish of me. How typical of a human being.
Daily I find more fragility inside of me, how corruptible I am, how I've always had a decent helping of negative. It really is just quite silly that I need to discover this, (again) that it never was/has remained apparent. Although not always.
I guess I just prefer living in, well, a softer world. But that isn't always true.
Thats okay though.
To be honest I feel slightly uncomfortable revealing my faults and naivety.
Its so easy to temporarily forget the little things that make us uneasy, but they are so harshly reinforced. Harsh being a relative term.
I wouldn't say I've become afraid of some of my potential, but I definitely am much more aware of it, to say the least.
Resigning, accepting and giving up are so similar and easily mixed up. The difference though, oh man.
Oh man.
I am so fearful of the future. Vaguely, I remember mr.koccur mentioning that which scares us is the unknown. He couldn't be more right in my case. Except maybe losing control. How childish of me. How typical of a human being.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Things I've been told today that make sense
1. The world is meaningless, but theres no use not living it.(making your own meaning)
2. Things happen and who are we to say what is best?
things i already should have known.
lol whatever.
2. Things happen and who are we to say what is best?
things i already should have known.
lol whatever.
Monday, June 15, 2009
jfkdjkldfj
Today I regressed a little.
I don't know why.
I don't know what direction to go in.
I'm still in the process of letting go.
I still see positives and negatives.
It's been three weeks since this started.
I don't know what to do anymore.
When I am alone I find myself again. When I am in the midst of movement I falter. But I don't think I would blame outward contact.
Since when have I been awkward and nervous?
gah,
How dare I be so weak?
I have learned a lot and I have lost a lot, but I really need to just be okay. Which is to say everything will be in the end.
I think myself in circles.
It would seem my problems start with narcissism and a deflating ego.
I don't know why.
I don't know what direction to go in.
I'm still in the process of letting go.
I still see positives and negatives.
It's been three weeks since this started.
I don't know what to do anymore.
When I am alone I find myself again. When I am in the midst of movement I falter. But I don't think I would blame outward contact.
Since when have I been awkward and nervous?
gah,
How dare I be so weak?
I have learned a lot and I have lost a lot, but I really need to just be okay. Which is to say everything will be in the end.
I think myself in circles.
It would seem my problems start with narcissism and a deflating ego.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
garfunkle.
I think it would be cool if I deleted this entire thing.
But i also think I would maybe think back and wish I hadn't.
So i restrain my inhibition and it dies away.
Maybe I am wrong in thinking I have changed a lot since I began, but I was reading one of my earlier post and my god, what happened?
I can barely connect with the naivety that once wrote, though I feel no smarter or wiser.
Just different.
It would seem to me I very rarely climb but move along sideways. Which is just as difficult at times. If we are talking rock walls.
I am entirely confused regarding want. and goals.
Ugh.
Frustration.
I would delve in but I don't have the will or motivation.
Funny how when we are focused in on something it magically appears everywhere. What worlds we create from our agreements.
I wouldn't overestimate ability though.
David Sedaris annoys me with his over exaggerations because I feel like his essays concerning his life are nothing but false and thus his points have no validity. And what is the point of making one if you actually had to embellish life to make it seem accurate. I guess selling a lot of novels. People buy into shit. I but into shit.
Cest le vie.
But i also think I would maybe think back and wish I hadn't.
So i restrain my inhibition and it dies away.
Maybe I am wrong in thinking I have changed a lot since I began, but I was reading one of my earlier post and my god, what happened?
I can barely connect with the naivety that once wrote, though I feel no smarter or wiser.
Just different.
It would seem to me I very rarely climb but move along sideways. Which is just as difficult at times. If we are talking rock walls.
I am entirely confused regarding want. and goals.
Ugh.
Frustration.
I would delve in but I don't have the will or motivation.
Funny how when we are focused in on something it magically appears everywhere. What worlds we create from our agreements.
I wouldn't overestimate ability though.
David Sedaris annoys me with his over exaggerations because I feel like his essays concerning his life are nothing but false and thus his points have no validity. And what is the point of making one if you actually had to embellish life to make it seem accurate. I guess selling a lot of novels. People buy into shit. I but into shit.
Cest le vie.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Tick tock.
I'm going to sit here and wrestle with myslef and try to create something atleast okay out of it.
I don't have much to say.
But I want to say it all.
All these discrepencies with the truth.
Ha, all these facebook quizzes tell me I am a dreamer.
The more I think about it, the more I think that is true. I don't know if that is either a sign of my weakness regarding my ability to be manipulated by repetition, or just another seemingly positive realization.
Seemingly.
When I try to feel me these days I can not tell what is there anymore.
I hope I haven't hurt anyone.
I want to be selfish and I do not and I am both and always will be. So will you.
I hate admitting that something can not be fixed, and I think that can be healthy or it can not be.
I am spewing over. Boiling on high.
I am so dumb sometimes.
When we look to the sky tonight, the god we swore never was real visits us in the sorrow of another misconception.
Its not what you thought.
It rarely is.
I want to be done and go do something else, but I need to keep going.
Even if it is worth little to even me.
I can not form anything acceptable anymore.
Acceptance really is key.
Everything is key.
Depends on who you want to be.
Its true.
fdhfhdjkhjds.
Life keeps moving
I don't have much to say.
But I want to say it all.
All these discrepencies with the truth.
Ha, all these facebook quizzes tell me I am a dreamer.
The more I think about it, the more I think that is true. I don't know if that is either a sign of my weakness regarding my ability to be manipulated by repetition, or just another seemingly positive realization.
Seemingly.
When I try to feel me these days I can not tell what is there anymore.
I hope I haven't hurt anyone.
I want to be selfish and I do not and I am both and always will be. So will you.
I hate admitting that something can not be fixed, and I think that can be healthy or it can not be.
I am spewing over. Boiling on high.
I am so dumb sometimes.
When we look to the sky tonight, the god we swore never was real visits us in the sorrow of another misconception.
Its not what you thought.
It rarely is.
I want to be done and go do something else, but I need to keep going.
Even if it is worth little to even me.
I can not form anything acceptable anymore.
Acceptance really is key.
Everything is key.
Depends on who you want to be.
Its true.
fdhfhdjkhjds.
Life keeps moving
Beauty and Anger
Living is an art they say.
But I'm just trying to get through another day.
I don't want to give me up, but i don't want to drink anymore from this cup.
I am diseased and tattered.
lying in the waste of what never could have worked
loss and digression
hunger
no satisfaction.
I've been making a lot of analogies pertaining to baking. I find it annoying and funny and life is confusing. I just don't know anymore.
Where all of my logic went.
Dissipating.
I don't feel like me anymore, but I think its only because I want a reason to freak out.
Me and my selfish body really do like suffering.
Drama.
Fuck it.
I live off of it.
Only sometimes.
And how far do I go until I am completely broken.
I always think I am.
I am.
Not broken.
I am.
Breathing
and scared
and changing
and longing for the final embrace of hate to wash away.
I guess in the end I was right
and I was wrong.
This was coming for such a long time
post hoc?
I still love me.
And i believe in me.
sometimes.
I need to start looking outward occasionally.
maybe.
So many goals.
So unclear.
My awe of the world in increasing and my fragility becomes apparent.
I am in love with life, I am at battle with it.
All subsides.
But I'm just trying to get through another day.
I don't want to give me up, but i don't want to drink anymore from this cup.
I am diseased and tattered.
lying in the waste of what never could have worked
loss and digression
hunger
no satisfaction.
I've been making a lot of analogies pertaining to baking. I find it annoying and funny and life is confusing. I just don't know anymore.
Where all of my logic went.
Dissipating.
I don't feel like me anymore, but I think its only because I want a reason to freak out.
Me and my selfish body really do like suffering.
Drama.
Fuck it.
I live off of it.
Only sometimes.
And how far do I go until I am completely broken.
I always think I am.
I am.
Not broken.
I am.
Breathing
and scared
and changing
and longing for the final embrace of hate to wash away.
I guess in the end I was right
and I was wrong.
This was coming for such a long time
post hoc?
I still love me.
And i believe in me.
sometimes.
I need to start looking outward occasionally.
maybe.
So many goals.
So unclear.
My awe of the world in increasing and my fragility becomes apparent.
I am in love with life, I am at battle with it.
All subsides.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Lists
Lately I've been wanting to make lists.
so no matter how foolish it may seem I am going to prepare a few.
List 1.
Things I want
1.peace
2.acceptance.
3.knowledge in the right areas
4.love.(the right kind in the right places, which doesn't necessarily connotate to romantic love)
5.to be satisfied.
6.clarity
7.to not be bored, but stability
8.loss of inability
9.stories to tell
10.success in what i want
11.to know what i want
12.to not go insane
13.progress
14.opened eyes
15.to be liked.
16.to feel all the right things
17.instant gratification
18.that awesome feeling after getting something you've waited for
19.consistency sometimes(even though it can make you boring and dumb)
20.to not be wrong
21.close communication with a lot of people
22.deep discussions
23.to teach people things. i dont know what kind of things though.
24.balance. most of the time
25.romantic love. occasionally. but not the annoying kind, lol
26.to help people
27. eradication of fear
28. beautiful thoughts
29. to be pretty
30. wonder of the world
31. a better singing voice
32. not to hurt anyone unless it helps them in the end
33. to be able to tell the difference.
34. comfort.
35. a really warm comfy blanket
36. to frolic through a field
37. to lay fields of gold
long list.
so no matter how foolish it may seem I am going to prepare a few.
List 1.
Things I want
1.peace
2.acceptance.
3.knowledge in the right areas
4.love.(the right kind in the right places, which doesn't necessarily connotate to romantic love)
5.to be satisfied.
6.clarity
7.to not be bored, but stability
8.loss of inability
9.stories to tell
10.success in what i want
11.to know what i want
12.to not go insane
13.progress
14.opened eyes
15.to be liked.
16.to feel all the right things
17.instant gratification
18.that awesome feeling after getting something you've waited for
19.consistency sometimes(even though it can make you boring and dumb)
20.to not be wrong
21.close communication with a lot of people
22.deep discussions
23.to teach people things. i dont know what kind of things though.
24.balance. most of the time
25.romantic love. occasionally. but not the annoying kind, lol
26.to help people
27. eradication of fear
28. beautiful thoughts
29. to be pretty
30. wonder of the world
31. a better singing voice
32. not to hurt anyone unless it helps them in the end
33. to be able to tell the difference.
34. comfort.
35. a really warm comfy blanket
36. to frolic through a field
37. to lay fields of gold
long list.
Monday, June 8, 2009
huh.
And then there was light, but the light only made things more complicated.
But in the dark I wander aimlessly.
In the light we think we know were we are going.
I feel drained. My emotional roller coaster seems normal now. I am so used to it.
Am I coming to terms with who I am, or just accepting defeat from something I swore would never own me? Both?
Funny how things we think we have most control over spiral into oblivion.
But in the dark I wander aimlessly.
In the light we think we know were we are going.
I feel drained. My emotional roller coaster seems normal now. I am so used to it.
Am I coming to terms with who I am, or just accepting defeat from something I swore would never own me? Both?
Funny how things we think we have most control over spiral into oblivion.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Unraveled.
So i have not made a real post in forever. I'm sure there's an answer as to why somewhere within the reach of thought, within myself, but I'm just too tired to look anymore.
There's so much I want to shed light on, to get out in the open, to admit to, to own or let fall away. I can not chose. I have always been bad with decisions.
As of late I have been consumed with worried strands.
The more I pull the tighter they wrap.
I figure at some point they may break away, snap.
Well either they will or I will.
I have been told that the human spirit is much stronger than the thoughts which fill the moments, the words in the end but a means, smaller than we are.
And the entanglement strengthens, in a different direction. Oh but that I were able to discover an analogy closest to the true picture.
Looking back I find I am not alone.
but that I am.
Separate, coming apart, becoming a part. All these things are, I am. I have always been so,
we unravel while gaining.
There's so much I want to shed light on, to get out in the open, to admit to, to own or let fall away. I can not chose. I have always been bad with decisions.
As of late I have been consumed with worried strands.
The more I pull the tighter they wrap.
I figure at some point they may break away, snap.
Well either they will or I will.
I have been told that the human spirit is much stronger than the thoughts which fill the moments, the words in the end but a means, smaller than we are.
And the entanglement strengthens, in a different direction. Oh but that I were able to discover an analogy closest to the true picture.
Looking back I find I am not alone.
but that I am.
Separate, coming apart, becoming a part. All these things are, I am. I have always been so,
we unravel while gaining.
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