Because it needs to be said

We drifted along the radio waves and proceeded to make our way beside the stereo light before the wall of hate finally stuck.

They didn’t know what to believe in as yes slowly formed into a preconceived notion of existing and no was only the question of when we might begin.

And then he faced the slave.

The Voice.

These things have a tendency to come and go, yet still this voice remains. Whispering, taunting me to give in, so urgent its almost a scream, so familiar its barely a whisper. Bending and twisting around me, suiting each and every new form I become with its corresponding answer, yet always the same. 

Things have changed. Things shall stay the same. 

The first question is what is the voice?

The voice is my inner self.

Why is the voice here?

The voice is here so I don't lose me or my way.

When will the voice go away?

The voice will always be there. 

So I suppose you would call the voice my concience. Or how ever thats spelled. 

Some one once told my I'm very in touch with my self. I'm not sure how true that statement would be. I still feel relatively lost, but I only think thats because my personality is one that needs to be in a constant state of disorganization and confusion. So I suppose I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I suppose. 

Mocking. (myself included)

I'm feeling kind of pissy today. I think I might be pmsing, but thats okay because everyonce in a while we all have to be angry. I think, well I don't think the Dalai Lama has to deal with normal anger if he is what he's supposed to be. Then again god's get angry to. 

Like the great flood. 

Yay for loving gods that sincerly care about their creations. "hey look I fucked up, lets flush em out like the shit they are and start over with a *righteous man* who I actually have the right to judge as so because I made him"

So I guess I have no right to judge "god" or whatever the fuck may be real, because I didn't make them so I have no rights to them. Other than the fact that I could if I wanted to. I don't know why I don't want to. I guess its because I don't like being an asshole. 

blah blah blah

we've been over that before. 

So horaay for people that hate everything. They really are accomplishing something. I mean the other 55% of the population of so(rough estimate) that is actually happy withouth having to see other things unhappy, they are just so low. Thank you for being special. And not the *my mommy says I'm special* type. The *the people I despise bow to me becuase I have the balls to cut their throat (or make them cut their own)* type of special. Its a good way to route out the bad seeds, which just don't have the guts to do what you can, because you're much awesomer than the flower you marching shit stomp on.  So i guess I'm part of the *evolution really can fuck up* portion of the world.  I hope you all find your own little island when we all die because we aren't as evolved as you areand you all have an awesome little competetion to see who is the best shit thrower. And when the last monkey is standing I hope they live happy and long lives. 

I really do. 

I love you all.

I have been in my house since the letting out of school, which was around 11:15 and I've been growing more and more impatient for something to happen. Most of the time I'm not like this, I normally don't like being on my own, but today it's driving me wild. I sent Jordan two texts and actually called him which I don't usually do. Its kind of become a weekly thing that he and Evan come over and sleep over at least once a week. When I get a routine I like to stick to it and the disruption is bothering me. I also called Katie, Automm, Amanda and Meg. I don't call people. (See the oddity yet?) I like people to come to me, its all very self absorbed. I don't like seeming needy or imposing on people. Plus when people ask me to do something it reassures me I'm still on their good terms, which I'm normally very sensitive about, I don't like imposing on people and due to past experiences I almost always feel like I'm imposing on people. Maybe its time to grow out of that. 

Well anyway Katie and Meg are coming over at eight because the ability to get anywhere is limitied; Meg's the only one that can drive and she's had to make dinner for her family tonight. 

I just have been feeling like something is supposed to happen amazing tonight and the fact that it hasn't is driving me insane. 

Insane I tell you.

Loco. 

So here I sit typing out my frustration and waiting. 

You know I really love my friends. They all are so different and interesting people. I never want to lose any of them, ever. I hope they know that. I've been trying to show that to them lately, but I'm not so good at showing attachment to things. Not good at expressing how deeply I care about anything. I wish the best for them and I hope luck shines upon them and they never ever feel unloved or unhappy. And that they always will be able to maintain themselves.  

Katie is like the emotion craze wise old lady stuck in a teenagers body. I love her dearly. 

Jen(who is currently up at Kim's) is crazy. I have no idea why we click but I would never give up our odd little isms if it meant all the gold in the world. 

Amanda is the wacky mommy of any group. She's so strong. I really envy her for that. And she never hesitates to speak her opinion. I admire that, no matter how angry she may be at any moment. 

Barathi. Bee. enough said. I'm really mad at myself for ever letting us drift apart. She's a wonderful little asian. 

Meg. the responsible driver stable loving lady. What would we ever do without her?

Joe. The psychologist who would never deny any one in need. He's such a quirky fellow. 

Alex. I don't know him half as well as I wish I did. 

Automm. Is one of the coolest people I have ever met in my entire life. She is one of the easiest people to talk and easily one of the most loving people I have ever come across. 

All of them are so odd and quirky and individual. Like little rays of sunshine in an other wise cold little winterworld. 

Well thats one group. 

I'm not going to express how I feel about anyone else, because I'm sure they'd find it odd that I was discussing them on a public site. I still care about them dearly. 

And there there are the people I want to get to know better. I'm so bad at reaching out. I really want to change that. 

I'm afriad I didn't give any one the justice they deserve. 

Well I hope I didn't scare anyone in my displaying of emotion. 

Love you all. 

I think I shall try to better express how amazing you all are once I have gotten in a more intelligble moods. 

Blah blah blah.

I just don't think I'm going to try and understand anything for a very long time. 

I simply wish I could remember all the things I've thought and sort them out, the question still remains as to how. 

Maybe delving this far into the rabbit hole is a truley idiotic idea and the middle ground is a much wiser choice. 

I still feel like I'm learning from every step though. 

Its all just so confusing to me. 

Hmph. 

I think I'm just going to accept

1. people will always be people 

2. I can't figure out everything

3. Ignorance is bliss

4. There will always be paradoxes. 

5. Sometimes I just have to trust my instincts. 

I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE IGNORANT

Abstract Concious.

My thoughts are really scattered at the moment and I can't make sense of any ending or beginning of the odd little half formed specks of light floating across and through, below and above me. I feel lost as usual, slighty guilty, partially self repremanding. These levels of hormones are more than enough to outrun me, the knowing creature beyond my limit too much for me to wrangle with. 

what and odd thought, that I could ever ensare her, as I become the slave to my early inhibitions and the master now understands the sting of cords wrapped ever increasingly tighter and tighter around something that once held no shape. Now concentrated and deadly, equipped with the rage of loss and the precision of a sharpened potential. It is impossible to turn around and yet the way is a maze of elements and possibilites far too abstract to grasp with this feeble figure I have grown to learn and love so well. But still I am not standing still, unless of course time has never begun and thus never shall it end. Falling and floating. I stand at the brink of an interpretation and the eve of a fall. 

Infinity awaits those who will never understand, although they try. 

Can't find the bottom of this pool.

So I have this theory that people shouldn't ever really let another person know if they have a problem with a deep inserted characteristic of another person. It started out as an annoyance to me, because I was in one of my angry phases when I made that belief and not being able to freak out at people freaked me out. 

The main logic behind the theory is that the only reason you would see a flaw in another person is because of a flaw with in you. How can you recognize something you are not familiar with? I can understand why some people do it, I just don't always agree with it. I suppose the logic under why some people do it dances in the realm of tough love, but i never was a fan of tough love. Then again I was never really exposed to it in my early growing years so I never started out being used to it until I could actually make concious decisions as to what I would believe and not believe. (I think I'm going to discuss that in a later blog, but I don't feel like being scatter brained today so I shall refrain from going into an independent spheel with a spheel ((or how ever the fuck that is called (((although right now I'm kind of doing that))) )) ) Maybe I just don't like the idea of hurting someone else, even if it may be helping them in the long run, because I myself don't really want to be hurt. But, that statement isn't really true because I tend to be rather masochistic at times, intentionally putting myself in hurtfull decisions. (another spheel another time). 

Well anyway, back to tough love and saying mean hurtfull nasty things. Who is anyone to decide what is best for anyone else? I used to be super judgment a very long time ago and it got me no where and it got the people I told should change no where. I guess it got them stronger, and it made me less outspokenly preachy, but Jesus. 

And maybe I am wrong, maybe saying shit like that is hurtful to another human being is helpful in the long run and if they can't get strong enough to deal with it through the process they don't deserve to not be bitched at. 

I'm starting to confuse myself, but to go on:

but then who is anyone else to put out their anger towards someone else? God? Are they all knowing? I don't know, maybe they are just more able to see the end situation from me.

Or maybe it is weakness. That's the only way they can deal with a bad situation, make other people suffer?

I would preach being kind, but the entire world is not going to be changed, so maybe we should toughen up. 

I admit I feel stronger after I get over things, but why should anyone have to get put through them? Why do people need scapegoats?

I guess it provides fun for other people, but at the expense of another human being?

Do people not understand that people have the ability to feel. 

I think unless someones felt exactly what the person they are outwardly judging has been through they shouldn't add anything more to someone elses plate. Unless they want someone to add to theirs. 

But then that gets to the who is above who area. Which is a dangerous area. Because I don't think anyone can consider the amount of variables it would take to figure that out. 

But then why don't we all just go on instincts?

It would sure ensure the population problem gets solved. 

I really don't think I can solve this. 

There are too many variables and I'm not willing to accept the answer of we should all be mean to each oher and express our feelings. (which ripples off another though i dont have the time or energy to discuss.)

I'm going to to leave it at I think to much. 

and he who casts a stone should make sure he is ready to get one back, 

even though most people who get stones cast at them wouldn't throw a stone back, becuase that would just start a stone throwing war, which while exciting I don't think many people want to deal with. 

And maybe angry people who say angry things are a sort of social evolutionary method of seperating the strong from the weak. 

God I don't think I'm ever going to figure this out. 

I don't know why I feel the need to, I haven't really been affected by any judgmental expressions towards me in a while (not to jinx myself or anything)

I guess its because I myself have been angry lately and have been fighting to 

wow. 

Stuffy Stuff Stuff stuff.

One thing I really admire in another person is honesty. Why? I guess because I realize the tremendous amount of strength it takes to be completely honest. I'm not talking about sissy honest like admitting to taking the last piece of gum or to being afraid of sharp objects. The honesty I'm talking about is like complete and total honesty in telling oneself and others the truth about the way you are, about the things you have most regreted, about the raw reasons one does something, about the way someone really sees something. That shit takes courage to admit, and I'm admitting a lot of the time I can't. 

So I'm hoping thats the first step to fixing that, because my self that seems more knowledgable than my cognitative self. 

I suppose the next thing I think would be a good start is making a list of things I need to say. 

1. I'm terrified of going crazy one day, but I think I have the potential to.

2. I feel awkward around people sometimes, but I think being awkward is pathetic. I guess thats because I really am a people oriented person a lot of the time and any inability regarding people freaks me out. I realize this isn't a terrible thing, but I've just not really ever said it because people tend to not say these things. 

3. A lot of things I do are done in order to prevent myself from breaking down or becoming depressed again. 

4. Sometimes I wish I was a thoughtless animal and that speech was never created because it would be so much easier that way

5. I'm extremely sensitive but build a barrier between myself and people, even though a lot of the time I just want to be really close with everyone. My inner self doesn't really know how to not be annoying so it just gets supressed under this large machine I have created that stops anything from being able to hurt me

6. I'm rarely the same person two days in a row. I change a shit load and it freaks me out to the maximum. I do it becauseI'm trying to grow as a person and because repetitive things bore me. 

7. Although it scares me to death(which is an over exageration) I think I might be a fool.  I have changed my ideas so much in the past year working on trying to be content I don't deal with the actual issue and only on a painless solution. 

8. There was a short stage in my life when I wanted to control people. It quickly died. It was right after I got really bummed about people and their opinion of me and I was looking for a way to not get hurt again, because thats what I do. Somehow or another that seemed like a possible answer, I know it wasn't.

9. I am really good at lying to myself. 

10. I don't like confonting issues I have with people because there are too many hasslesome variables to consider about the outcome. 

11. I feel like I'm always at the edge of a tagic realization. 

I can

Frederick Niezche once wrote that people can not change their fundamental nature but they can change the way that their said nature is expressed. I think I really believe that. Somehow or another that rings the truest note that I have heard on the subject of change referring to oneself. Life seems to be just one expression of the nature of one thing or another, but people seem to get so caught up in one expression that they cannot see other methods. It really is quite tragic, in my opinion. But then again I am sure there is some good in it; like atleast the expression is not as negative as it could be. One nature could be expressed sadly, which could be expressed through anger which in turn could find expression in direct violence towards a living thing. That is not to say that does not already happen, but it is to say that that doesnt happen often. 

Some times I think I should be less serious, other times I figure someone has to be, so why not me?And on rare occasions I don't think I am serious enough. 

Who ever is out there I want you to know that you do not have to be sad. And you don't have to follow the lead of other people. You really don't. You can be more than that, I know it may seem hard to believe but there is more to life than imitation and Standard Lecture Number 7. And pain is not the only way, you always have choices. I guess thats what I'm really telling you. There is always a choice to who you are and what happens to you. You have a say, I promise. 

"Doubt is there as a test for vitality" -Waking Life

Ever feel like there is no up and there is no down? I'm sure there must be some truth in directions, but I've yet to know exactly what that is. Maybe I spend too much time trying to figure out stuff and not enough time being serious. But my nature is my nature and I'm done trying to fight it. At the same time I have barely started the fight. I have yet to figure out why I can't say exactly what I'm thinking. A lot of the time I just feel like I'm on autopilot, saying things I've decided are the best easiest thing to say in certain situations. There are a lot of easy answers to an array of problems, complicated and simple. That is not to say they are the best answers. Maybe it would be better if I just didn't think as much as I do. Until I have better evidence I shall continue living life as I have decided is best for me. Even if occasionaly my self doubts my self. 

All shall be okay if one has the right state of mind. What exactly the best state of mind is has yet to be discovered. To care or not to care, that is the question. 

Balance

Balance

Balance

is key.  

Right?

I think so, thats been on of my fundemental beliefs for quite some time. It seems logical.

But god damnit I just want to live. 

And it always feels like I'm just trying out new ways to be. Which I guess could mean I'm me in that. 

See I have this theory, that the you you are is soley dependent on the right now. Who you were does not define you, soley. Straying from ones nature is impossible. In my opinion. Who are we to defy nature that has made us who we are? Is any one really that strong? 

Everything can be mocked. It just depends on how willing you are to invest yourself in something and protect it. I'd suggest you pick your parts carefully. Or you could be like me and just wrecklessly throw yourself around. 

People sure do invest too much in words. Like woah a lot. 

a lot

a lot

lottty .

lot. 

:].

If I could make a bird sign form thing i would right now

but alas i care not enough to work on that. 

zo well. 

Hello World

Dear World, 

I know you don't really know me. I know you don't really care. But I just wanted to say hello, because i think I should finally admit that I am part of you. Even if it really doesn't matter. Please do excuse my bad grammar, but its the only way i know how to get across the point I wanted to reach. I'm not sure if it really matters, I'm not sure if I really have one, except something tells me I do. So many things I've been told you are, I've heard a lot about you. I don't think I believe any of it. You seem to be much more than I could ever know. I don't think you want to be tamed or understood by us dear humans, well more destructive than dear. Maybe both. Do you even know? I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry that I don't do much to help you. I wish I could, but you know by wish what I mean, atleast I'm hoping you do. Now that I'm started I'm kind of sorry I began. I'm sorry to waste your time. I just wanted to say hello and let you know I'm listening and that I care. 

I want to get to know you better, but I don't know how to get ahold of what it is you have to teach. 

If you are listening I would appreciate if you could find your own way to tell me what it is you are trying to say, because its all just a breeze to me. 

to brave

I wouldnt know the way to go

even if they tried to showme

I wouldnt want to find a way out

even if i couldn't breathe

I walk the nights alone

because my mind is in a freeze

I wooble my way around

because thats what it means 

to me

Bring me a shore

a horizon

I could never accept it

because I don't know how to stay

and because i was never taught to bend that way

away

into the sky

into the middle ground

that isnt here

it isnt there

not where i wish it could go

but to be free

well

that is a lie

ties and strings and presents

and dying oaks 

a worn out joke

ha ha

i laugh because i can

even when it means something besides hello

on my mind

you always stay

butterflies and fairies

torn out sold out dreams

so sore

so true

go outside the bubble wrap

before it melts down

and becomes a part of you

a storm

Winter Break

So somewhere along that path of what has happened there was a major split. Like super major crazy unplottable shift. I feel so weird right now, not myself at all, but totally at home and totally me. I'm kind of afraid this is permanent, because I feel like an idiot. A brainless idiot. I think this has happened before, I think its just my brain being bored and trying a "new thing". I really don't care a shit for anything bad in my life. I feel free. I feel unintelligent. I wonder if this is what people who have a low iq feel like. So many less things to consider. I could almost fly. I need something deep to stir my stagnant mind at the moment. I wouldnt call it stagnant, but things are beginning to settle and all float to the top. I'm sure tomorrow it won't be like this, but for the moment I think I'll just enjoy drifting along. Maybe this is a form of intelligence. Being able to let go. Haha

I am not someone who typically can be this easily care free. This is so weird. 

SO so weird. 

This hasnt happened in forever. 

I didnt even know i could still think like this. How incredibly odd. 

You know for a while I had been thinking about how I've just been preparing for something. Forming ideas and training myself, so one day i can just unleash the tigtly pulled cord holding me wherever i have been and just go. Its how I feel before a drumline show. So much tension, so many last minute preperations. I think for the moment im finally springing into action. I'm not sure if this is the wisest of all decisions. 

Its such a back and forth experience sometimes, I dont really feel like im making much ground, just moving backwards and forwards. 

I really think i should think about this before i make a final decision, but i cant make myself. 

HMmm.

Well im sure eventually life will solve itself out. 

You know what?

I'm not afraid right now. 

For the first time in a long time I am not afraid. 

Why does this have to be a bad thing?

I'm not thinking, so im not sure i can answer myself. 

hmmmmm.