do i dare get a tumblr?
egahds,
what has the world come to?

Somehow I'm finding I'm much more of a social person than I used to be, which is funny because about a year ago I was horrified with myself to "discover" that I was an antisocial solitary person. Which I guess was to say that I was afraid of human interaction and didn't know how to handle myself. I could be wrong. I know though that I am more secure with the world as compared to previous times. Strange that I still can call myself me. Maybe the self really is an illusion.
Guilt is not a natural feeling, humans learn how to feel it and it is poison, but I guess it gets the job done. Regardless of its origins it has a strength of itself, in conflicts. I refuse to admit that humanity can only destroy itself. Which is off topic, in a manner.

I think I've met my match and I'm finding I like it.
Something tells me to be careful with my words because who knows whats going on through other peoples minds, but god, its just such a hassle to do. Totally not in my nature..... I feel...strong?

I do fall to guilt a lot though. Which is destructive because it isn't natural. Its important to acknowledge that, for me. I'm happier in knowing that and in making my own path free of it. No matter how temporary this state, I honor it.

I'm reading a book called Cunt. It has a very feminist slant, which I don't mind at all. It empowers in a healthy way, for me in this moment, but then I'm not forced to deal with much societal pressure at the moment

In my life.....
there are a lot of loose ends, but I guess thats pretty typical.
The sky is not always blue. It really isn't
Birds delight not so much in their flight as they mourn their inability to be grounded.
I do too.

My situation isn't particularly hard to bear as much as the difficult parts are hard to ignore.

I'm not sure if I know how to explain this. Errrr.
Well I was reading the Art of Happiness and it was talking about change having to be slow. And thats not normally how I approach it. So I started getting a little manic because I knew it would be better if I adapt a slower process of change, but I was trying to quickly change the way I change. And it all seemed relevant and scary and confusing.
I'm not sure if I explained that well enough to be appreciated.

Its hard to maintain communication when I'm not aware there's something that isn't mutually understood.

I saw a star falling. That was all it took.

"I hate to see you racking up numbers."
-Mom

Well atleast I'm not so much heartless as reckless. I cried for days.
I can't ignore the fact that, oh i can't say it.

God Bless all of you.

"Something told me to run, and honey you know me, its all or none."

My life is beautiful to me. Emotion is not something to be ashamed of. I am not beaten.

Let the reciprocation take compensation for the weight in between, and we will move on.

For the fact that lately I've been encountering a few things that have told "me" that expression is really key, i remembered that fact and figured that writing in this blog thing (blag) might be helpful. It could be said that I'm doing this to gain recognition for my thoughts, to parade them around(above) other people. I don't really care (sorta) and this point. Some things are pretty important.

Graduation was coo. I got emotional when I saw Kate Hartney, Billy and Brandon for band things. I'll miss them dearly. I'm going to try to keep in contact with them, they feel familiar to me, which I hope doesn't change because its just a time and place thing. Jeff Conway was telling me that you have to be with people not just for convience's sake but because they are your actual friends. It kinda sticks with me, maybe just because it resounds of something I read in "the art of Happiness", cowritten by the Dali Lama.

I'm applying to Marshalls.

I stared down Joe Biden, for what ever reason. I wonder what kind of person gets that far up the ladder. I feel closer to Monkies than I do that rank of government.

Going to the beach this week should be fun, but for the fact I'm spending money that could be used for college. Oh god.

I'm not ashamed that I like self help books. The funny thing is that when I was in the pits of anxiety, when I needed them super a lot, I couldn't get up the courage to go get one. I might have blinked too much at the cash register.

I don't think we notice when it happens, the shift being so gradual. I don't think we see it coming. One day you wake up and you can't relate with yourself. One day you wake up, wanting to escape but the images just aren't there anymore. It's made in red with thickening, crumbling paint. Smearing on the that which no longer looks how it used to.

I'm almost tempted to miss a state of mind that never had any regard for me or my sanity. Gradually I'm taking steps for someone else. I never wanted to take the time to do. Is this compassion? Is this reaction?

Everything's calming for me, but around me there are people having their worst days ever. Super Nova's are nothing, compared to what happens inside. The truth can be held as a candle or a knife. Lovely wax filling in the spaces which mine arms used to grab at and find wanting.

Its not yet May.
Almost.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for everyone taking ap exams.
I've been much bitchier than normal as of late, it kinda bothers me. I'm hoping its just something I need to get out of my system.
I got my senior prom dress! and aim to be giving the junior prom one to charity. (its eco friendly method yaytime) Also I'll write a note in it that boob tape is available for cheapiez at the local target. I told Ms.Brosnan at Junior Prom I had a dilemma with the side boob and I'm pretty sure she'd never had a student say that to her because she was definitely taken off. Sometimes people just don't know how to respond to me.
I make a point to check how many posts I get in a month.
Nick and AlexP came over and they're quite the power struggling duo. Entertaining to listen to. I don't think Nick realized but he flexed fairly often in the situation. hehe.
I'd advise anyone I'm annoyed at not to take personal offense.
Senior week is going to be hilariously conflicted.
I saw neither Lost nor Survivor this week with my mom and am slightly upset, but thoroughly rested.
I should be getting to bed soon.
night :]

Just as a note, I seem to write more in the beginning of the month than I do in the middle or near the end. For this month I don't think it was a "oh crap look what I'm neglecting' in reflection of the past month but a, wow I need to express before I bubble over.
Everything was new in the beginning of April/end of March. Spring Break was so different from my normal procedure, which I think is especially healthy for the likes of me.
Seeing Chloe was very nice today, we talked a lot about having grown up more than where we were going, which was very nice. It kind of hit me and she was saying, "I'm trying to figure out the most rational way to deal (with this) but the answer is to just not think about it till it happens."
My god, when did we get so reasonable? I don't think with most people I could identify that well with what she was saying or what I was seeing had happened to her (through constant striving on her part for betterment). Its nice to see accomplishments in maturity of thought in like-minded people. I feel its too lofty to say that we are like-minded but we have a special type of understanding in which our friendship follows little to no of the standard friendship guidelines.
It sounds so much more special and mysterious when I talk vaguely of what's going on in my life.
Chloe and I have these special moments where we talk and everything we say is just understood and there is reciprocation and it makes us, well at least me, for a little while, not feel so alone. Not that I feel constantly alone, it just fills a spot that has a vague feeling of emptiness otherwise. But Chloe gets annoyed with me and I can't deal with judgmental people. And then we lose contact for a while.
And then we reconnect.
I have to wonder why she gets so annoyed with me, but if I were to know, really know, it'd probably hurt a little and I'd think about it and then bad things would happen. So I just don't think about it.
Except for now.
and sometimes.

:]

yo yo yo.
I'm so bad with follow through. I'm was so hard trying to stay a little bit less provocative, just cause I felt like I was losing my whimsy and that seemed a likely 'doable' way to fix that. Well thats kind of a lie. Its whatever.
Theres more to the story but I'm not posting it here.
So childish.

I've been doing so many radical things to myself, the hair, the piercings, the soon to be tattoo, whenever the fuck that gets done.

Oh expectations, I'm so bad at staying within limits. Its just not my fav.
Not one bit.

"where love goes, change will follow"
so corny, but I like it.
Actually the way I found that was though going onto this quote site and pressing random, closing my eyes and telling myself that the first one I saw would be a good one.
I do stupid shit like that a lot. At least now I only half believe it.... Half.
ahaha.

I'm such a silly goose. Nor can I figure out if I'm actually confident or not, but I really don't feel like fiddling too much with my perception right now because life is B-E-Autiful. Today someone told me that they didn't regret the past because it brought them to the present, and I used to think like that when i was on the high of my mental excursions, but that thinking backfires.
When you're feeling shitty, saying "Well the past brought me here" and that just kinda turns your stomache to mush and your head feels like its being drilled through.
for me at least.

I just don't regret (try, always add try) because thinking about what you regret, too heavily always just leads to more regret.
"I won't worry, I won't be made useless"
(define useless......)

Getting myself out of situations I don't want to be in is not solved by easy answers. There's absolutely no concrete formula.
All i think about is how iffy the world is, but thats my stance. Mostly always has been, mostly always will be. (?)

I'm almost heading home. Just one more night and then back to Pennsylvania where the sun is not always out, dreams aren't advertised to come true, money is actually a problem and people aren't temporary(well sort of).
I don't know if all the feelings I've acculated over the break pertaining to a few different things will stay or dissipate and will the image of the the beautiful plant life here as the car keeps rolling. That sounds awkward, but I wanted to express it.
My cousin and I have a lot in common and I think if we switched parents we'd have ended up a lot like the other did. My niece Alyssa is beautiful and intelligent and I hope she is strong. I want to watch her grow. I miss Sage, Meadow and Liam. All of my nieces and nephews are incredibley strong willed and I love them for it. I think its a family trait. They all remind me of each other, and of me at that age. Is it sad that at times I feel more connected to them than I do to my siblings sometimes?
Grown ups have so little time to spare, will I become like that? Barely known by anyone?

Chloe, I've never thought you failed. At anything. I respect you so much.

Erin and I are basically emotionally in sync. So are our bodies. I'm glad she gets to rant to me, it makes me feel special and I know how important it can be to actually 'get your voice out'.

I need to get my books back from Alex Morris. Oh, by the way if you're reading this, ou actually will get your money back, I wouldn't actually do that, I just kid about everything with you, mostly.

Its funny that Matt Glanfiel in one of his only posts said how cool I was and how my many questions were entertaining and now he's such a dick to me.

Well i have to go do other things.
later.

Expectations.

The spring break trip has been incredibly eventful, and I'm glad Erin was there becuase somehow our lives intermingle moodwise so that I wasn't alone once.
Eli told me he got a sense I wasn't what people expect me to be, and I'm positive of it. I guess thats why I feel kinda seperated at times. Its not like I'm super unhappy, its just that I'm not always this crazy wacky experimental person, its just what works best for me when interacting with people. Its a fun image, but sometimes I feel a little trapped intellectually, I have so much on my mind people wouldn't think I would.
How do I keep up with me? It's confusing.

I like Florida more than I rightfully should, and I don't want to go back to Pa. I can't believe I only have a few more months to go before college; I worry on and off about how I'm going to pay for it, because according to Bloomsburg my parents can afford to pay for my college, but last year my dad had a good job and now its gone.
I, I'll get by. It has never crossed my mind I wouldn't be going to college and my mind has not changed, I don't care how many loops I have to jump.

Damn I need to start getting my determination on, I have so much in me held back by laziness.

Writing is so healthy, recognizing the thoughts we disregard, they're a part of us, why do we forsake them?
Sometimes I think I have way to much in my head to rightfully deal with.

Eli's actually really good at noticing things. I'm surprised by him, and his dry sense of humor when he lets it out is so damn funny.

I really do know how I want to come across to people and exceed at portraying it sometimes. But it doesnt help me get what I want when I want it most.
grrrrr.

I still need to start realizing its not all about me. Diagnosis: human condition.

Its fun giving the people you see in the street little stories.
I feel a little cooped up right now, nor can I figure out when to put the ' after it and before s. It bothers me. Why am I not looking it up?

I feel really special when people genuinely open up to me.

if you got it....

I had to do a short story presentation today, lead a class discussion and a game, and it was really cool. If I could be a teacher and just do that with stories that are actually good, like the one I picked, I would love doing that for the rest of my life.
Funny, I don't think the me of June would recognize the mind of me today, but then everything is transient, so I shouldn't really be too surprised. I still think its healthy to respectfully mourn loss as long as one doesn't dwell too long or too severely. And even if that happens, its just another way to do it, some would call it really living, feeling so intensely, I know I would have, but thats not my decision anymore.

I love the tattoo design I made, its absolutely perfect.

Truth: If you got it, you wouldn't know what to do with it.
I want to say that to quite a few people right now.

God there's so much wriggle room in language for misinterpretation by listeners. Especially because other people's minds are quite separate from each other but by the communication we are mis-ing. And nobody want to feel alone, really. Unless they're masochists, or hermits, or a bunch of other things, actually. I still hold its rare.

And when I ask myself to perform as I could and have before, the pressure changes it.
(if you got it, you wouldn't know what to do with it?) That's pretty believable.

Sooooo.

I have been trying to persuade myself to attempt to write the 8 page research paper due monday for a while now. It's not quite working. I guess I don't actually want to make my life easier? I'm going to hate myself sunday. SOooo much.
But as to whether I should really be upset by the procrastination or not, I can't quite say. I mean I kinda enjoy the last minute rush, and complaining about it after wards. And why should I adhere to people telling me that the best thing to do is be on top of silly little school projects. I mean, of course college might be angry at me if I fail my senior year, but its not like I'd fail it, I'd just be up all night and tired the next day.
Well I guess the LOGICAL thing would to be on top of it, but when have I ever listened to logic, or recognized it when its sound?
The silliest part is when I argue for one side, i lean to the other, and then when I switch, I can't figure out why I switched.
Also pointing out, I'm terrible at arguing.
errrrr.

jdfkdjfkldjfkljfsd.
Damnit ahah.
Senioritis so bad.
Maybe I just like feeling bad about not doing it, well its more like thinking bad about doing it, My spirits are pretty merry right now. My brain hyperactive.

And who wants to manipulate themselves anyway? Well whats the line between manipulating and .. oh hell I don't know what to name it. that thing you do thats not reasoning and its not suggesting but its both?
I have a feeling my ability to express myself has taken a turn for the worst?
:/

I applied to target today!

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately. I guess I'm just not sure what to write about anymore, no major occurances, not too many foolish dreams. Life moves on. I think the most beautiful thing is waking up in the morning and not feeling like every morning I was losing a little more ground. Who knew the mind was such a cruel battle field?
I saw him again today, I didn't think it would affect me like it did, but I was almost tempted to cry.
"I don't want to be reminded, no I want to be forgotten. "
"May god's love be with you."

I know you wont apologize, not that you can see it.
I guess in the end I still feel a little used.
And a little empty.
Nothing ever works out for me, in that area.
Its probably my fault.
Even though i laugh it off, you know
because you're so stupid.
Whats that make me then?

God I sound so cliche.

Lol I barely recognize me in my writing.
the Red Paintings touch me in a place not many things do. Its not very comfortable.

Chloe. I love you.

You know it always seems silly to me when people say they'll always be there. That's just a lie. I hate saying that to people, its fake and idealistic and confuses the heart. Not that I don't use other methods for near the same effect.
What do I mean? Do you know? Well, I do, you know, but I don't feel like explaining it, so just take it. Or don't. It probably matters. :]
Only to a small degree.

People's affection changes much faster than can other areas of them. "You're boring, I don't like you anymore."
->What you really mean. ...well what do you really mean?
(note, no one has told me that. recently. or that I can remember. nor have I really thought about it towards another person)

I have mixed feelings about the (impending snow?).

voice tone, facial movements, posture. EYES.
People say something and think no one recognizes the contradictions in the way their interacting? I don't know.
I'm fully aware when I'm giving something away. Most of the time, though people rarely catch up on it? Or so it seems.
I miss a lot too.

interesting poetic notion: painting eyes on hands. Feels somewhat right....

Attributations to Happiness

Things that are good

Brave New Voices
esp
"that Girl"
"Ugly Sunset"
Alysia Harris
Queen God Is

The Prinicpia Discordia
http://www.ology.org/principia/body.html#originalsnub
Realizing the ultimate control in knowing you have none
Laughing at unfortunates

Gurren Lagann
Neon Genesis Evangelion

20mg Lexapro

"The Chain" Ingrid Michaelson
"I am not a whore" Lmfao
"Skinny Love" Bon Iver
"Baptized by Fire" Spinnerette
"I sing I swim" Sea Bear <----- I have always and will always love this song

Certain Friends
New People
Phones(well even though they are hazardous objects)

My new hair cut
Getting up on time
Taking care of myself physically


Waking Life
I Heart Huckabees
Thumbsucker
The Royal Darjeeling
Gangs of New York
The Chronicles of Narnia :]

My Booky Wook
Identical
The Awakening
The Hours
The Dharma Bums

Fulfilling little tasks

Just so it doesn't look like i've died, I'll post something.
Here I am.
I got my hair changed again, it just felt like the right time to do it, i've been holding off for a while now but I had the money and the inspiration.
I'm going to West Chester as of now, studying psychology.
(My therapist believes in me. Lol)
I'm excited to meet new people.
I feel like there's been a shift we're I figured out how being in my own head 24/7 wasn't working.
things feel awkward with some of the people who have been my safety places. I'm sorry.
I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin. :]
I hope I don't relapse. I hope I don't relapse. I hope I don't relapse.

I'm in love with the smell of cotton. Like B*Bw cotton. And some laundry, but I've never been able to determine the detergent/fabric softener that has me so in love with it. Heaven is a soft place.