Nothing really new.

Same old shit as always. 

Nothing really new. 

On Sunday I got a massage from my sister, thats what shes at school for. I find it kind of sad that just as I'm getting old enough to learn to know her, I have to leave. We really seem to be a lot alike, I think I could learn a lot from her. I don't know if I still want to go into massage therapy, it seems monotonous, but I still have it as a plan f. 

She asked me if I was happy, it really caught me off gaurd. I said something along the lines of "for the most part" or "generally". There's not really much to complain about, I need to be upset and have ups and downs. I can't just be constantly happy, it gets mind numbing, I haven't learned how to think well when in a new permanent state of happy, and when I don't think well I get upset and fuck up myself. See the vicious cycle yet? I sure do. But I don't mind it, I like my sort of happy. 

I need to fix the fact that I can't care about school. I really try to, I jsut can't do it. I hope I'm not screwing up the rest of my life. 

I really kind of like having a lower self confidence, its so much easier to accept the way I am. I was always fighting off reality, it got really tiring. . I just feel like I'm seeing the me I am. 

Have a nice day. :]

Bo..

Once upon there was a girl who promised herself to write once a day.

Once upon a time the girl broke yet another promise. 

I really can't stay dedicated to shit, and even the most simple promises end up in the "shooting for the stars" category of goals. I really hope people don't see me as reliable.

I don't know if I should announce something, but it seems almost needed, then again I reasoned with myself that it was best not to mention it, although I'm sure anyone reading this already knows what I'm talking about. 

I'm moving. To Florida. 

unless a job sprouts up for truckers in the next three months. I know its best for my parents that we move down, and I'd feel like a selfish child if I pleaded to stay. I'm kinda done with being the needy bitch that only takes from her parents though, they have sacrificed long enough for me. I could atleast do this for them. 

Its not a definite yet, but I almost hope it stays a definite. Yeah, I'm gonna miss everyone here. And yes I am going to be in a land where there is a danger of getting malled by an alligator, and I'm leaving a place where I am comfortable, but I really think this is whats best for my parents. For my brother down there. Hell I'm gonna miss my sister. So so so so much. And all my nieces and nephews up here. 

But I've always been big on change. I need change. I thrive on it. And thats what I'm gonna tell myself to get through it. (i actually do need change, but I don't feel like explaing how and what not to think I mean)

-Peace

In the eyes of a dreamer, it wont be long till we open our eyes.

I really hope i don't have to back track again. I really hate back tracking, with everything in me I despise back tracking. And regressing. I fucking hate it. 

I've been cursing again, a lot, especially in front of people that I shoudn't be cursing at. I hope it doesn't become to huge of a habit because it makes me feel like an ignorant fool without a spiffy vocabulary. Which is, in essence what I could be. I just don't know. 

No one ever knows. ever. People who think they do are idiots. That was what my whatever the fuck it was prompt for standardized stupid testing was about. Doing in order to understand. It sounded a lot to me like they were trying to get people to believe that they should just do whatever society tells them to do and hope they understand later, but I've been known to be wrong before.

Do to understand. Thats a load of shit. Do to do. understand it along the way. By understanding, live a little better. It would seem that to a very hidden part within the mind you have to understand in order to do, to do well atleast. You have to do in order to understand.

Maybe a baby does know what its doing when it first opens its eyes, to a subconcious level.

Maybe a bird knows what its doing when it first opens its wings. 

PARADOXES!

Why is life so full of them?I don't think we diagnose life as what it is, but we believe it anyway. I don't think there is any thing that seperates us from the idiots who believed the world was flat. Besides a couple hundred years, a lot of dead intelligent people and a lot of crappy governments. We are all sectionialists. Every single one of us. Its hilarious how anyone would beg to differ. 

I think its about time we all saw the big picture. Hell if I know what that is, it seems to be that we are all connected. Connected to this world, connected to every living creature. I exist. You exist. Plenty of shit doesnt exist. I don't know what that shit is, but it doesn't. I'd like to leave it at the greatest most inseperable bond links us all together: life. 

Maybe someday I will be able to. 

I think I shall remember.

I shall deny myself tonight. Perhaps this is a bad idea, perhaps it is a good one. I frankly don't care. I'm sure I might eventually, but I need to not care right now. To show to myself that its possible. I still feel like I'm living. I just feel like I'm relearning. Which isn't inconcievable that I need to. In psychology we were learning that one of the main components in remembering something is constant reminder of something. And with something so obscure as this there are so many questions in the idea that its hard to remember absolute truth, which I don't think it ever had. 

For an answer I suppose I must ask myself what the definition of life is. 

In that must of my answers I tend to find. 

Weird wording. 

So lately....

Theres not much to say anymore. 

I made what seemed like a large decision regarding self about 34 hours ago.

I feel different, I feel the same. 

I still haven't gotten my period. I'm kind of pissed, its about three weeks and four days late. I know I'm not preggers, and I haven't been not eating that much. I just haven't been hungry lately. I think its going off of the birth control. It really seems it changed me so much. I even haven't been that stressed out lately, not as much as I have been. I've just been realizing a lot of shit. 

I don't feel special anymore. If I ever was I think I lost it. I just feel alive. I'm not exceptional, which is okay. I was led to believe so long that I was, but I think it hurt me more than helped me. 

I have a lot to say but most of it seems common sense. 

I'm not attractive. I would like to say I'm not shallow, but I've been feeling utterly vile lately. It doesn't even bother me any more. I know I used to be attractive. Some how or another I lost it. We all lose it in the end. I dont mean beauty by it. I mean IT. I guess I miss it. I'm sure it makes all the difference, but the difference isn't that bad. Even if it were it seems useless wishing for something that is unreachable. That I don't care enough to go for. There are more important things to go for. I've been finding goals.

That is so weird. I've always just floated along. 

I really love the people i care about. I hope they feel loved.  I hope everyone in the world gets whatever form of love they want. No one doesn't deserve it. I don't even care if they've murdered a million people. I don't care if you disagree. Thats my opinion, why would you want me to change it?

Tonight I just really don't care. I might in the morning. 

hmmm

What do we, as a generation, have to offer the world?

I guess our ambition for wanting to help people worse off than us. 

Can't think of anything else.

hmm.

A beautiful day.

I have been in the weirdest mood possible. While I should feel happy, I just feel lost. Like theres something I'm supposed to be finding, but it continues to slip right through my fingers. Its almost as if while I was supposed to be making a right turn I went left and ended up in what the fuck land. The journey was fun, but I think I'm ready for a new direction, although all directions seem to be are just new ways to fill up nothingness. I'm so unsatisfied right now, I know its just a stage and that I'm in a metamorphisis at the moment but its just so annoying. It makes sense as to why i would be nervy at the moment, even though i had an awesome weekend. Well besides the short time yesterday where I felt unwanted and today when I felt lost. I'll find my way again. I know I will. 

I almost feel guilty posting this. Maybe I am the guilty one. 

I know this is just momentary darkness, warranted or not. I'll pull myself through, I always do. 

Today was a beautiful day outside. 

Theres nothing to be upset about. I feel better now. I think I just needed to recognize the feeling and confront it before it grew unattended into something larger and much scarier. 

BOOOO.