Its not yet May.
Almost.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for everyone taking ap exams.
I've been much bitchier than normal as of late, it kinda bothers me. I'm hoping its just something I need to get out of my system.
I got my senior prom dress! and aim to be giving the junior prom one to charity. (its eco friendly method yaytime) Also I'll write a note in it that boob tape is available for cheapiez at the local target. I told Ms.Brosnan at Junior Prom I had a dilemma with the side boob and I'm pretty sure she'd never had a student say that to her because she was definitely taken off. Sometimes people just don't know how to respond to me.
I make a point to check how many posts I get in a month.
Nick and AlexP came over and they're quite the power struggling duo. Entertaining to listen to. I don't think Nick realized but he flexed fairly often in the situation. hehe.
I'd advise anyone I'm annoyed at not to take personal offense.
Senior week is going to be hilariously conflicted.
I saw neither Lost nor Survivor this week with my mom and am slightly upset, but thoroughly rested.
I should be getting to bed soon.
night :]

Just as a note, I seem to write more in the beginning of the month than I do in the middle or near the end. For this month I don't think it was a "oh crap look what I'm neglecting' in reflection of the past month but a, wow I need to express before I bubble over.
Everything was new in the beginning of April/end of March. Spring Break was so different from my normal procedure, which I think is especially healthy for the likes of me.
Seeing Chloe was very nice today, we talked a lot about having grown up more than where we were going, which was very nice. It kind of hit me and she was saying, "I'm trying to figure out the most rational way to deal (with this) but the answer is to just not think about it till it happens."
My god, when did we get so reasonable? I don't think with most people I could identify that well with what she was saying or what I was seeing had happened to her (through constant striving on her part for betterment). Its nice to see accomplishments in maturity of thought in like-minded people. I feel its too lofty to say that we are like-minded but we have a special type of understanding in which our friendship follows little to no of the standard friendship guidelines.
It sounds so much more special and mysterious when I talk vaguely of what's going on in my life.
Chloe and I have these special moments where we talk and everything we say is just understood and there is reciprocation and it makes us, well at least me, for a little while, not feel so alone. Not that I feel constantly alone, it just fills a spot that has a vague feeling of emptiness otherwise. But Chloe gets annoyed with me and I can't deal with judgmental people. And then we lose contact for a while.
And then we reconnect.
I have to wonder why she gets so annoyed with me, but if I were to know, really know, it'd probably hurt a little and I'd think about it and then bad things would happen. So I just don't think about it.
Except for now.
and sometimes.

:]

yo yo yo.
I'm so bad with follow through. I'm was so hard trying to stay a little bit less provocative, just cause I felt like I was losing my whimsy and that seemed a likely 'doable' way to fix that. Well thats kind of a lie. Its whatever.
Theres more to the story but I'm not posting it here.
So childish.

I've been doing so many radical things to myself, the hair, the piercings, the soon to be tattoo, whenever the fuck that gets done.

Oh expectations, I'm so bad at staying within limits. Its just not my fav.
Not one bit.

"where love goes, change will follow"
so corny, but I like it.
Actually the way I found that was though going onto this quote site and pressing random, closing my eyes and telling myself that the first one I saw would be a good one.
I do stupid shit like that a lot. At least now I only half believe it.... Half.
ahaha.

I'm such a silly goose. Nor can I figure out if I'm actually confident or not, but I really don't feel like fiddling too much with my perception right now because life is B-E-Autiful. Today someone told me that they didn't regret the past because it brought them to the present, and I used to think like that when i was on the high of my mental excursions, but that thinking backfires.
When you're feeling shitty, saying "Well the past brought me here" and that just kinda turns your stomache to mush and your head feels like its being drilled through.
for me at least.

I just don't regret (try, always add try) because thinking about what you regret, too heavily always just leads to more regret.
"I won't worry, I won't be made useless"
(define useless......)

Getting myself out of situations I don't want to be in is not solved by easy answers. There's absolutely no concrete formula.
All i think about is how iffy the world is, but thats my stance. Mostly always has been, mostly always will be. (?)

I'm almost heading home. Just one more night and then back to Pennsylvania where the sun is not always out, dreams aren't advertised to come true, money is actually a problem and people aren't temporary(well sort of).
I don't know if all the feelings I've acculated over the break pertaining to a few different things will stay or dissipate and will the image of the the beautiful plant life here as the car keeps rolling. That sounds awkward, but I wanted to express it.
My cousin and I have a lot in common and I think if we switched parents we'd have ended up a lot like the other did. My niece Alyssa is beautiful and intelligent and I hope she is strong. I want to watch her grow. I miss Sage, Meadow and Liam. All of my nieces and nephews are incredibley strong willed and I love them for it. I think its a family trait. They all remind me of each other, and of me at that age. Is it sad that at times I feel more connected to them than I do to my siblings sometimes?
Grown ups have so little time to spare, will I become like that? Barely known by anyone?

Chloe, I've never thought you failed. At anything. I respect you so much.

Erin and I are basically emotionally in sync. So are our bodies. I'm glad she gets to rant to me, it makes me feel special and I know how important it can be to actually 'get your voice out'.

I need to get my books back from Alex Morris. Oh, by the way if you're reading this, ou actually will get your money back, I wouldn't actually do that, I just kid about everything with you, mostly.

Its funny that Matt Glanfiel in one of his only posts said how cool I was and how my many questions were entertaining and now he's such a dick to me.

Well i have to go do other things.
later.

Expectations.

The spring break trip has been incredibly eventful, and I'm glad Erin was there becuase somehow our lives intermingle moodwise so that I wasn't alone once.
Eli told me he got a sense I wasn't what people expect me to be, and I'm positive of it. I guess thats why I feel kinda seperated at times. Its not like I'm super unhappy, its just that I'm not always this crazy wacky experimental person, its just what works best for me when interacting with people. Its a fun image, but sometimes I feel a little trapped intellectually, I have so much on my mind people wouldn't think I would.
How do I keep up with me? It's confusing.

I like Florida more than I rightfully should, and I don't want to go back to Pa. I can't believe I only have a few more months to go before college; I worry on and off about how I'm going to pay for it, because according to Bloomsburg my parents can afford to pay for my college, but last year my dad had a good job and now its gone.
I, I'll get by. It has never crossed my mind I wouldn't be going to college and my mind has not changed, I don't care how many loops I have to jump.

Damn I need to start getting my determination on, I have so much in me held back by laziness.

Writing is so healthy, recognizing the thoughts we disregard, they're a part of us, why do we forsake them?
Sometimes I think I have way to much in my head to rightfully deal with.

Eli's actually really good at noticing things. I'm surprised by him, and his dry sense of humor when he lets it out is so damn funny.

I really do know how I want to come across to people and exceed at portraying it sometimes. But it doesnt help me get what I want when I want it most.
grrrrr.

I still need to start realizing its not all about me. Diagnosis: human condition.

Its fun giving the people you see in the street little stories.
I feel a little cooped up right now, nor can I figure out when to put the ' after it and before s. It bothers me. Why am I not looking it up?

I feel really special when people genuinely open up to me.