Everything cycles and so too do I
I watch it comes and go and
see it come and again and again
in and out of the spots like a ball bouncing across an endless plan upppp
and down watching it soaring
seeing its impacted selfish practicality
gravity defining everything
rules preset rebounding
and the soul watched the cliff and itself from a distance but felt it
wind pounding

tangled in the masses of a vine
this is where you go
powerless
although
choice here
ring the bell for salvation
soundless until it decides too late
to cooperate
watching time the enemy take control
this sqaure once could fit
but like clay its been remolded and set
Water!
stubborn boulder
oh that i could hold you in my hands and take you in my heart
and we could startttttt(hold the t, don't let go)
everything slowssssss

and now the ball is rebounding in some poor head
trapppedddd
oh dread!
how often have you come to haunt me?
made made made
is it you or me?

Body why won't you listen?
Two parts
duality always
and that fractured hope that perhaps
oh just maybe
if i can pull that way
and pry that way
but no
reflections always
we live together in this house
we are the house
we are the lights
I want to taste this
but the doors are sealed and the water receding
they are at the door and they are asking for money
and they're pounding away
and its sealed
doing no good
If they starve him out
will the glue come undone?
or is there just one
more
second passing
in cycle

moving on to higher things
or levels
and layers
that dissolve as they pry the crowbar across my heart

sugar coated

Take me with you so I can be cherry sweet
soaked in sugar the words surely then would meet
the candle burns down slow low, stubborn flame will not die
the wax river runs off the page unto my thigh

Pushing pens into my skin so they can redeem the nights
starry shivering, its not a question, turn off the lights
searching for the rouge thought you unpeel fractured hue
this wasn't for you it's just how it happened

show me to know me
I repeat
show me to know me
know me its just how it happened
show me to know me
know me its not for you
know me to show me how this happened

Its become so clear to me that I was chasing the horizon
Never any closer, closer is getting tired
(but you didn't understand when I said that)
and throwing pebbles at massive machines
I've said it once, you're still a liar and its not to fault me for the genes

This wasn't for you it's just how it happened.

"in the morning I'll be with you,
but it will be a different kind,
I'll be holding all the tickets
and you'll be holding all the fines."

ever in need

I want to run outside in the sun
nakedddddd
freezzzzzing
I want to know that in creatttttinnnngggg snow angels
they will perish
but that that infinite mommmmennntttt
stays gollldeeeeennnn
forever it remains in a memory that I can taint
succulent
gulping red empiresss smelling sweet satireeeee
running down my throat myself engulfed in sweet fruit
comparing myself to the tart freedom rising up to meet my throat
feeling sensing knowing
throwing away the sad condolences of a fruitless day
tasting here that won't go away
taiming kingdoms reluctant to make a way
from there
to now
I wannttttttttt this
"you cant have it"
AND WHY
do I torment myself to be put upon a shelf
in the minds own I
I ammmm hereeeee
look at what I have made for you
look at what I am
turning blue
like i always doooo
Reflection
meets deceptionnnnn
The little girl was right when she said mirrors lie to her
self condoning self
correction self
IMAGE
never the same
ever in need

Snow day

I'm not really in the mood to be writing but I heard a poet talking about writing and how you should do it even when you don't feel like it and I don't know what else to be doing(i could be doing a lot). Even though this isn't really the type of writing i count as valuable, this is just journaling thoughts I'm still gonna do it.
When Automm calls all we talk about (well not all, really, but it always comes to mind) is that the group I am in has fallen apart. In fact I've had that conversation with so many people. We've all got such strong personalities.
Enough.

I dreamed last night that I was an immortal and for a few seconds I was flying. Sigh. And a hurricane came and it hurt me but I persevered because I was immortal and then I thought: "I'm stronger than a hurricane but weaker than a mouse." It was a good dream. I've been having so many good dreams I can only half remember and I know they are interesting because I see little flashes of them that are wonderful but I can only remember split seconds. I should work on that.

My mother took me out shopping yesterday for christmas gifts and I got a few things at Habitat because I don't want to support any other store. But then we went to Ruby Tuesdays and I ordered something. We sat in somewhat silence, and I think I'm beginning to blame myself for the lack of good conversations in my life, it hurts to. It helps to make it seem less terrible, being in control. (although time has proved that when in control I screw myself over. I feel ever responsible for keeping myself above water, and for losing my strength in the days that have past)

Right now I'm waiting for meg and erin to come and they are 45 minutes late. Everyones always late to everything involving me, which I guess is cool cause I'm always late to school, but not really to other peoples things and I guess there are things that are more important than me, I just really hate waiting. If I start anything its bound to get disrupted, I hate being untimely displaced from things, If I'm not ready to set down that book and I have to it ruins the entire mood of everything and I'm all about moods, although according to some psychology the people most aware of their moods are the most neurotic, which fits me and is unfortunate but I call it being alive, even if there are some people I know who seem so much more alive, that is to say involved and that is to say that I am jealous of them but there won't likely be anything I'll be doing about it.

Note: I miss hanging out with boys. Not the boys of last winter but just REAL boys. I want to rough house and do silly things.

Note: I want to talk more to more people and my own lack of words bothers me

"You need contact daily or conscious is failing."

Certain people I put my hope in fail me, but I think it might be my expectations or lack of ability for delivery on my part.
........self indulgent, self indulgent, self indulgent
its still something I've noticed

"its more they're standing in ponds when they could be gods of the sea"

I don't want reason, I want humanity

The idea sparks, glitters, but goes away for the moment, still nurtured, still tormenting me to become a reality, but who will allow?
I'm still looking, but soon I fear I may give up.

Your eyes look sunken in, its what makes you different, its your breed, and so we go together, you and I; but I will never touch you.

Sometimes I get so caught up in understanding what I'm hearing I don't listen.

The world of speaking truth lies to me. I can never be a part of the life I've seen can be.