So i guess

for now change doesn't seem such a bad thing. For certain reasons. Not all change. I've been wrong about a bunch of things. I need to figure some thinks out. Just interested in where this is taking me. Ah well.

So many questions

I havent posted anything in a while. I'm not sure why. I've had a lot to discuss. But that time is gone, so why ponder upon it?
I ask a lot of questions.
I always have some sort of question in mind about something or another. It gets a little repetitive, especially caus for all my questions I don't have very many answers. Well not nearly as many answers as I would like to have. But then, who is to say that I am not better off not knowing what I want to, the truth has a way of changing people, then again so do lies or misconceptions. I think it all really depends on who you want to be.
I wish I were funnier.
and more interesting.
And although I do want those things, I also do not want to compromise my self identity for them. So i suppose I am here as I am, for the time being.
But thats okay by me.
People really yearn to be understood and accepted. I don't think theres much behind it other than simple human instinct. Acceptence and understanding tend to lead to a greater bond between people, which leads to better protective instincts towards the other person, which would in turn drive people to protect each other. But if we are so geared towards protecting other people who is going to be there to save oneself? Someone else? Is that really a smart thing? Who knows whats best for you other than yourself?
I don't think anyone. And even if they did who would be willing to give up freewill in order to be protected?
In the right circumstances would I?
Well in the past i seem to have not, but then again I have not experienced everything there is to experience. SO I guess I shouldn't be talking, but I am.
Theres a lot else thats been on my mind but I really don't feel like sorting it out right now. So I guess its just there to rot and/or spin around in my self concious mind for a bit. It'll find its way out eventually. I think.
God stupid laziness.

Coming and going.

It seems my life would consist of one freak out after another lately. Maybe that's supposed to mean something, I'm not really sure how to get anything out of anything at the moment. There's a choice I'm not really sure I'm ready to make. And there's something I'm not sure I'm ready to admit.
Perhaps this really could be for the best if I choose it to be, but the thing is I'm not really sure I know what is best right now. I'm terrified. But I can't feel it. I think I completely overloaded my feeling receptors and it needs to take a break. Or maybe theres just too much to feel and this black is just a combination of everything I'm tryint to tell myself.
I think I'll be fine. I think I was fine. I think I'm a hypocrite.
And I'm finally of the edge. What a very long drop. It could be worse.
Well sometimes broken bones come back stronger then they once were.
I'm never going to be perfect.
I hate that.
That is the one thing about me that I actually don't like about myself.
I don't know if im ever going to be okay with that.
But it would appear that ignoring the problem is whats been really eating at me.
Thats why I went into the panic attack. It didn't help I had three people screaming that fact at me. Regardless of whether or not they actually meant it or if they were trying to help or hurt me, I've decided to actually take something from it. But it doesn't seem like they had much of a right to tell me who I should be. It's not like they are any better than me. But I'm not better than them. We just have certain areas where we shine. and apparently they seem to think theirs is more important. Which to be honest kinda pisses me off.
Well anyway, I've decided to take what I can from what they said and the resulting occurences and grow from it. I'm slighty afraid I'm believing it only because they wore me down or to make them see me better, but I kind of want nothing to do with them anymore. So the most likely thing would be that it's because I believe it. I'm not sure they really understood what they were saying anyway. Does anybody ever really understand the full extent of what they are saying?
It is my belief that they don't. But thats okay.
Because everything always can be okay. Depends on ones mindset.
I really think everything is just based off of opinions and opinions change.
I'm going to need to be more careful with myself in this rewiring phase.
Well i guess i saw it coming.

Do not sing, do not sign.

These eyes are wide awake
and though i try
I can not remember
what it feels like
to see the light
behind the broken glass
which seems to now forever
mark a hidden legacy
although I can not remember
the truth between
the eaten words
digested
and deserted

By a loosened body
now absorbig more than its worth
By a faded observation
now losing its life

To become
the fear
to forget the hate behind the meaning

Set free
now ensared
by a fear that can not fade

leave behind
the weight upon its back
shackles for shame
life
not living

To be seen not understood

Beginning
and end
meet in an upset collision
its true
bring it here
don't come near
It's mean to be.
No.
You don't see
what comes before the fated
....no
......no
holy higstrung no

you try to be
but you could never see
the

...say it again

be the heart
you want to see
trust in this
trust in no
bfefore the
dissilusioned
disgusting
disatisfactory
no

your hopes
your hates
is but a congolmerate
of everything you wish
were real
step into the....

don't try
to see what you
could never understand
dont try
to find the lines
between the words
that mean more
than you
could ever
understand

A heart between the lines

Dying trees will wake up in the spring

Won’t you look me in the eyes
And say what you’ve been trying to
Lost in this sea
Of goodbyes
And the shining sky
Lying on your back you see it
What ive been telling you

No need to apologize
You got yourself into this
Broken glass
And faded dreams
Pretty people

Dying trees will wake up in the spring
When you let them
Can you see them yet?
What I told you
Was not a knife
What you sold me
Is still here.

Won’t you wake up?
Will you make another dream
Are you ready?
To find what you’ve been looking for

Baby boy
Please put down your sword
Its not a toy
Tearing up your insides
What are you waiting for

So its broken?
You can put it back together
Where are you going to?

You have a home
You have a heart
You still have hope
You left something behind
You aren’t getting it back
Until you ask.

Incoherent Obscurity

"Stop, I can't do this. I'm not in the right mood. I'm going to fuck it up. It's not worth it. I really don't have the energy to do this. OWWW. Leah let go of me!" I begged the prodding hand that was nudging me towards the door. Unfortunately, she, like everyone else I used to love, would have none of my excuses. She was the type that believed that with enough conviction anyone could overcome any obstacle, including laziness. Such a trait had begun to be seen as the ultimate flaw by anyone I had ever known to exist. So much so that it began to be an excercise to even try to remain useless. It would seem that all my efforts were in vain and that no matter how hard I may have tried to be so, I would have the need to do something forced upon me.
Even if that something is resisting something else.
So much for personal freedoms and everything they entail. I would pin the root of the problem on the fact that no one really could understand that my views would have it that sometimes living well entailed not living at all. Well, really, not living as anyone else would see fit. I really didn't see much point in trying to overcome somethng that had so obviously made me who I was. No matter how many people I might have frustrated in the process. It no longer mattered much to me how many people had lost the will to associate with me, how much I might have alienated myself, how many of my friends has dropped me like a dead weight on a sinking boak. All for the good of the crew, right? A vessel struggling for the right to even stay afloat, let alone thrive, that's exactly what they had become. The ill fated thing that was our circle of friends really didn't have much hope left of a safe arrival at their destination. It's not like anyone even remember where that was, or that was what they were together for.
What ever.
It's not like it was even my circle of friends anymore. Our. Ha. There was no our in my world.
Their would be a better word to say it. But for some reason there is still a twinge of pain each time I further dissassociate myself from them. I can't even really remember what the exact moment was when I began to see through all of them. To hate what I saw. To be disgusted by their pitiful attempt at getting by. At being "true". Pathetic. All of them. But still sometimes when I truly thought about it I wished I could be more like them. Able to forget. Able to pretend.
Perhaps thats why I had come to hate them.
Thinking back I think that might have been the reason. I just wish I could have seen what was coming. Wish I was able to stop the night from falling.

Forgive my bad writing techniques.

To be honest. I'm not being honest at all. I never could be.
I think people are finally catching up to that.
It seems like this world is but an entire act and I'm not even sure whats behind it anymore. But I'm starting to see little parts of the behind the scenes. And Atleast I'm starting to write my own part now.
And I've decided never to delete a single post on this, because even though some of them I'm not proud of them they still are a part of me. And I should never want to forget that.
I've actually started being worried about the past. Which is weird because I thought I'd learn to let go of that. It just kinda came back to bite me in the ass. Maybe it will pass.
Because like, it seems that every choice really does have a tremendous effect on a person. and it seems like the young beginning years of someones life are very defining. And I was a pretty crummy selfish horrible depressed child. But I seem to be growing out of it. Maybe I'll always just move to who I want to be.
Hopefully. Because things in my brain keep getting better and better and more sorted out. And I'm much more comfortable with who I am.
So maybe there really is nothing to worry about.
I'm probably still going to till I find somethng else to think about. To be honest lately I've been quite and idiot.

I really miss having deep conversations with people.
Although everyone around me seems to be conforming with this new method of not ever being serious and although I've kinda picked up that habit, ashamedly. Honestly, it just kinda bothers me sometimes. I'm not sure if I like it or not. Its like my brain won't go on a deeper level anymore. It scares me. That was something about myself I really liked.
Maybe its a muscle that just needs to be worked out again and itll quickly remember after a while.
It's like my brain feels starved.