hmididdlydo

Well now that I'm in a good mood I should probably record it. Ha. Haha. Indoor Drumline is such a good release, I'm glad I joined the pit and I hope they don't put me back on cymbals. Please god, please god please god. Thing I've noticed; sometimes the more we practice the more I steadily get worse. Makes sense, won't explain.
I think for me its more I have plans of getting out of my situation, but I don't think them through. I just expect the world to be there for me catching on to me. I won't chastise myself for not realizing it when I'm doing it, but I just dream much too high. Applying effort in places that don't make a difference. They matter to me god damnit.

I have to go on believing in me there is beauty because if I don't there is no one to reaffirm me, but thats okay. Look in the mirror, tell your soul its beautiful and you care. Repeat three times every day. Working out would offer a solution to my moods. Make your insides feel better. Apply effort! I'm so stubborn. I can't figure it out.

so it seems I'm constantly planning my escape from on spot or another. Run! Run with me! Maybe someday I'll learn. I'm surprisingly content in my unhappiness most of the time though. Or is it fear that holds me back?

I don't know. Its freeing really, in a way. And its not in another, but if i focus on all the bad it won't help. I've learned it doesn't help, haven't learned how not to though. Thats okay.

Don't know where to go

I should be writing. Its the only thing to do with these moods. Its not depressed. I'm melodramatic. Its not even a tragic mood, well not to be.
I want to see passion. I feel like I don't own any, I'm too lazy too. I feel like I suffocate without it, unfulfilled, so unfulfilled.
I shouldn't show these moods off.
It comes and goes so sudden, here it is, there it was.
On.
Off.
I don't know how to express myself anymore. I'm excited for a change of scenery.
My heart is set on Bloomsburg, if I don't get in I don't know what I'll do. Be upset mostly I guess. I'm freakkingggg outtt. Thats an overstatement.
I'm coming to feel how ideas really are not something to stand upon so firmly. I jump ship a lot in hopes for something better.
Hope the driving force?
Label label. Confine. Life.
I want to commune with other people.

I dream and dream and commit to living in my ideals but not experiencing them. disillusionment again. Its just my cycle. Round and Round. I'm self destructive when alone but I crave it.

Why why why?

Oh but what was I expecting from this place?

i shouldn't feed this thoughts. I don't know what to do with them, I don't know where to go.

i hate having to search for things. It stops me from doing a lot of things.I don't know if fear is the root of laziness. No one has a good enough answer to that question, and sometimes i see glimpses of an explanation that helps me see its not. I think ideas are very confusing, i normally just go with them when its an inward idea and don't stop to think of the repercussions or logic of the situation. I really am not a huge fan of logic. I also don't think all good thinkers are good mathematicians and I can barely explain why. Sometimes I throw out meaning on the random happenings of life and force myself to feel enlightened. I think that means I'm not. But I also think I had a lot of pseudo potential that I will never follow through with because thats who I am.
I bite my bottom lip a lot now, its a learned behavior, because I like when other people do it to me, it almost seems like a compliment to do to other people. Reading reading into things.
I force myself onto things, my wants. I'm so not lighthearted. I'd like to call it serious but that might connotate dedicated and I'm not sure that would send out the right message. I could be writing something better than this.
There I go again putting my veil of opinion on everything. Faulty faulty opinion. I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've been rather bored as of late, which when I'm in periods of not being bored I get a little proud that I don't get bored, but right now I don't know how to be sane and interested at the same time so I'm just going to be bored and try not to move things around so much because I'm in a spot that is more comfortable than where I've been even though I feel lonely and I shouldn't blame other people. Its just kind of insulting to be so lonely. People have such cool little tweaks in their personality that aren't normals and don't really make sense until you think about them and then you just get confused and I think thats on of my favorite parts of people.
Stop accusing me, I'm just trying to follow the instructions that have been given to me. Maybe you don't understand, and I know I don't really either. This world would be easier if we just tried to give each other breaks. Constantly searching for refirmation, no one really caring to show it, or seeing it to show it. This musings mean nothing, remember remember.
So egotistical. This this is how we operate.
You can pick a thousand holes in what I think but what is gonna change?

but you wont

there must be sometime wrong with me because it means nothing without the words

so you can hear me, i will make translation, but now you can't. Can't listen.

I'm playing with my self, my emotions, selfishly bringing an experience briefly in exchange for a rock to stand upon. Is it worth it? When will it stop?

diagnosing things that don't need to be problems.
pounded pounded by a constant influx, fighting to sift through the reason for truth

trying, trying too hard to let something out. When will it begin?

Spontaneous thoughts of the day 11/27

and tv teaches you how to think, in some sick way

because in the silence you can pretend

we are at war with the confusion induced by what we have learned

this is me thinking i am not enough

Scum.

I have not been attending to this poor blog as I used to. Poor poor blog. Not that it had feelings. Itd be nice if it did. My thoughts are all a jumble. Daily I think a hundred thoughts I want to write down but when given the resources I supply nothing of value.
My mom is getting depressed again. She wants to give away the cat. I'm starting to feel like a hypochondriac. Slightly. I'd never let myself go that far. Mostly I just want to not have responsibility. I don't act on it. And sometimes I have this dream that I can hold everything together and be everyone else's rock,but I can barely sustain myself. In conversation daily when it isn't one on one I loathe the abuse words take. I find teachers more fascinating that these people and their triteness and their fear.
I feel bad for my dogs, my mother pays them no attention now. She hasn't seemed to have washed in a few days. I feel sorry for my father. We make fun of her when she's like this. She's got a heavy load, all to herself in her dreaming of a god who will save her. Broken hope never sits well. I can attest to that.

I just want someone to be here with me. I think I do at least.

It will pass. if i would just meditate things would feel better.
Look what we do to ourselves. I'm not depressed. I'm actually mainly better than I have been in a while.

this face.

she was just standing there and there were people all around. they just sort of ignored her, she was staring at everyone else because no one really minded, no one really noticed. It was kind of odd and there was a lot of things to notice, but none of them reminded her of what she wanted to reminded of. Its kind of lonely, feeling so unconnected to things, she thought, in not quite so blunt a sentence. Someone had a pretty face, but she could tell the other girl was faking her smile, and the lips were off. She wished things were as easy as being able to see someones personality in their face, and even though science said that it wasn't possible people do it all the time. Sometimes the most beautiful faces aren't those that are aesthetically pleasing, they just have this feel about them and you sense this thought and while you stare its just awe.

Its all the same?

My fingers trace the keys but there is little left to bring out. Ring around the G move to the H. I'm getting nowhere. There was suppose to be something I could show you, but you aren't even looking. Why should you?
I cross my fingers and hope he'll be alright. It must be hard, being him. I could never love him, but I know he needs it, know he deserves it. Not that deserving is part of the situation. Not that it ever is.
I watched her fall apart and couldn't follow. They say never say sorry. I hope the pain wasn't too much.
I heard hints of notes behind a wall, begging to be given breath. May I then be oxygen, I never could.
I make intros to promises I'll never mean, but thats all thats said. Don't get carried away my dear, I shouldn't have called you that.
I fall in love with the world. And then the typical enters. How predictable.

I couldn't laugh along at that, don't make me. Unless I cave into agreeing with you, in allowing myself to breed with you. Ideas pour out the cup of ignorance and only dehydrate me.
I'm so thirsty.
And some how I'm becoming more comfortable in who I am. Even if maybe I'm not comfortable in being that person around you. I will be anyway. And you might judge me. And I'm sensitive and and the carrier of ideals. Thats all I am. Don't make me trade my stability for what I want. I will. Will not. Will i?
Don't expect me to want that, you hazard. Not that you're capable of wanting.

Steal from the baker, he's got enough to go around. Until no more burns the furnace. The fire's running low. You get something from giving up something, you get you give, you give you get. Right?
My livelihood has run out the door with the spoon. And the cow is jumping into oblivion, they've milked her dry. Poured out the dears hope. Oh me. Oh my.

And still we persist on till the day, that day. So much meaning in the unpredictable. Convince myself I know the way, and then I don't. So many false maps of where to go. Did I hear that I should worry about the destination? Until it comes I will pin it. And then when I'm over here and expectant, something comes and crushes me and I splatter and the truth is over there where I may not be because I'm stuck by something. And now I'm being scattered. and then I was somewhere else.
Its a completely different picture. Its all the same.

More Whiney Originals

(f) if you think its who we are
(am) to watch ourselves slowly starve
(c) directly cause by not taking part
(c/b) in what we say is better

(f) if you don't think you're causing harm
(am) with sharpened fingers pushing hard
(c)because you know inside our heart
(c/b) and you know what's better

(g)maybe someone'll save (c) me
(g) but for now I'm left here (em) hoping
and for now I'm left choking
(g) maybe when we look inside (am) ourselves we
wont see all this (c) matters

(F) so for now I look to the sky
(am) and try not to ask why
(c) this isn't working out for me
(c/b) nothing seems better

(f)they never said how perceoption
(am) works its way into your head
(c) and how sometimes you'd rather be dead
(c/b) then let go of falling


(g)maybe someone'll save (c) me
(g) but for now I'm left here (em) hoping
and for now I'm left choking
(g) maybe when we look inside (am) ourselves we
wont see all this (c) matters

Blabber

Mood: restless, caged in my own thoughts with no outlet, tired, in need of something, can't put my finger on it.
I've been writing in things that are not this blog often, out of sight. Which is nice for the main part, but my main purpose right now is to be seen and create something.
So if I am not a writer than, so be it, I feel like I'm wasting potential right now.

I do not want to grow up like my mother, which is to say I don't want a disease that makes me bed ridden for the most part.
I do not want to ever be completely isolated, thats one of my fears right now, growing up to be alone. I don't know what I am going to do when I have to move out of the house. I'm quite sure I'm rather dependent on my parents.

Funny how you trade dependence from one thing to another and we call it freedom.
I have an obsession with freedom. Not sure how thats going to work out because there is no total freedom, not that I can see. Freedom to adhere to genetics and behavioral teachings. I like the work adhere. Its a nice one.

I love the song Private Universe. Its by Crowded House.

So I finally found what I wanted in music today, and you know what, I was uncomfortable in it, to some degree, i wanted more soothing music, but now I know where to go when in that state.

I watched so many movies yesterday. And now I can't stand anymore, except that I want to watch Up or 500 days of Summer with someone. But not alone.
I don't even really want to go to school, I don't get fulfillment there a lot. People all have there constraints; I have no room to complain.

list of songs I really like at the moment
Private Universe, Crowded House
I am Trying to Break your Heart, Wilco
Oh, Comely, Neutral Milk Hotel
Ahh, Men, Say Anything

Copying people is a weird topic, I've got nothing of value to contribute to that yet. Later I think I will, and maybe it'll be interesting and slight right, but I never am fully. I don't care that I'm hard to understand sometimes. Sometimes. Well mainly, actually.

I feel better.

Wants.

Its days like this that I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone to come over when I'm sick, tell me about what I've missed and watch movies with me because I'm too ill to think properly, and someone to hold me without fearing they'll catch my disease.
I want to curl up on the couch and listen to someone play music.
I want to show them all my silly musings I've done on the guitar and them let it slide that my stuff isn't amazing. Its not supposed to be, its just honest emotionally. Thats all.
I want countless cups of honey lemon water and creamy soup even though its not good for sore throats.
I want things to happen without me forcing them. I want to express with someone.
I had a thought that felt like it was very spot on but I can't remember it.
I've been having a lot of those recently.
I want to go on walks in the woods with people and have in depth conversations about life and trails and i don't know what else.
I don't want to be alone. I don't want these walls.
I want life.

Stuff.

list of movies to watch.
Before Sunrise
Adaption
The Life Aquatic
The Science of Sleep
Igby Goes Down
The Squid and The Whale
The Rules of Attraction
the Darleejin Unlimited

I think thats enough for now.

movies I love
I Heart Huckabees
Waking Life
Being John Malkovich
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Outsiders

Books to read
The Crucible
Sister Carrie
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate

Books I Love
The Dharma Bums
The Awakening
Mrs. Dalloway
The Scarlet Letter
Glass Menagerie

so i don't know me anymore
lost inside my own convictions
healing's just another affliction
and why should I, so why should i, even try?
so i don't know me anymore.

everybody wants it to mean something to them
I will be your kite, I'll fly you high into the wind right by them
and then we'll crash and fall
bumps and bruises aren't funny
so i don't know me anymore

stuck to the ground

You say you're doing what you wanna
I say
You're nothing but a coin glued to the ground
like the tricksters try to play you
And the faces float by real solemn,
thinking they're gonna pull away
but they never do
stuck they're gonna stay
like plaster, like plastic

And today is so the first day of you're life
you 're throwing away all the mundane
All it mundane its so monotonous
You're flying away so peaceful like a feather
no bird to tell you where to go or how to think
So unattached its what you what
so free, so scary