Apprehension

When signing devon's drumhead i wrote something about how she was awesome and how I was going to miss her a lot. Upon spelling her name wrong, i attempted to make it better by making the top of the i into a part of a heart, but it just looked like some kid took a sharpy and tried to draw a circle. I then drew a line leading to the mistake and pointed out that it was supposed to be a heart, just so she would know that indeed a massive fuck up did happen on her drumhead and no I was not ashamed of it.
I contemplated crossing the whole thing out and writing "make every moment count"
Not sure why I didn't.

Thinking back i don't think i would change a single thing I have done so far this year, or in the past. Sure, at times things feel a little depressingly monotonous and doomed to end in misery, but normally things just straighten out, or become lovable. Normally one of the two.

God I sound so cliche.

I am content.

Ohohoh,
so I saw evan on friday. Something has changed in him, I'm not sure if its the way I see things now or if he actually has changed, but the feeling around him is different now. I think I'm too awkward for him to stand at this point, its not like I don't want to start an interesting question with him, it just seems forbidden now. i miss the days when he used to come over every weekend and sleep over and we would end up getting into rediculously violent play fights, talking about our feelings and drinking tea. I knew it wouldn't last long when it happened. He always was one to come and go in my life, its not a surprise I don't even know him anymore. Its just odd, thinking of what I used to feel for him, all I can sense in regards to him is a twang of memory with perhaps a pinch of regret.
But hey, friends come and go; I shouldn't hold it against him that he so easily fell away.


I don't know if I'm ready for the change my life is about to undergo, but life never really seems to look at us for the go sign before uprooting all we know, so what is there to feel but a rejoicing in the fact that life is?

ugh

sometimes I wish I was still Christian. Or that I believed in something atleast slightly concrete.
I used to love listening to all that gospel crap and getting this elated feeling of living for a purpose. It all seems so empty sometimes.
I never get chills like I used to.
I also don't feel nearly as guilty in everyday life.
it takes and it gives.

Dear Chloe

I would take you with me but you will be missed
even though when i go you will be missed.

Oh my

And now the question seems to be, do I value .....
wow that that is way too complicated.
Rewire:
which type of beauty do I prefer?
That which can easily be seen and made but comes with a dear price
or that which comes through a totally different type of sacrifice, with perhaps an even dearer price but which in the end should bring about what would seem to be a certain lessening in struggling.
My insides laugh everytime I come anywhere near a conclusion that but leads to another question.

Mental Note #5

Talk about ideals some time soon, make sure you remember what you have been considering them as, so you can reference it later.
Or just work out the thoughts and dispose/keep/slightly alter them.

Random Stofff

I got really angry yesterday, like furious. It wasn't a bad day, I was just really annoyed with a few things.
Other than that I've been feeling pretty good. I'm attacking my fears from all fronts and working on getting over them. So far it's working, but I'm not sure how long its going to last.
God, I've been so irrationally emotional for such a long time.

I feel like i'm finally finding my voice again over the buzzing, confused mess of a state my mind has been in for a very long time.
There's so many things I would almost explain but I just don't feel like it.
hahaha

So everyone's been unusually quiet for like two weeks; its getting slightly infuriating. I don't mind silence for a while but this constant state of semi silence really has a way of getting to me.
I miss constant conversation, I need it. I live off of it.
Ha, perhaps its just me getting quiet. I don't know, but no one really seems to have anything to say. Which is bullshit because there are so many things to talk about, there is everything to talk about, including nothing. So perhaps we are just too lazy to come up with conversation, or maybe everyone's retreating into their own minds for a while. Maybe everyone is rearranging their minds.
I really feel like I am.
Spring Cleaning.

the mind is such an odd place.

Detox

So I'm going on a detox, for my health.
Not for losing weight.
Everyone refuses to believe that, which is getting frustrating.
Every time I mention it they just all stare at my like I'm willingly tearing out my soul and selling it for a hot body.
I am not anorexic, I just don't want a ton of chemicals in my system.
In case you were curious.

Ha ha ha

If we say we are
we are
aren't we?

No, i Don't think thats how it works
-----all the time
WEll who am I to decide for me what is and what is not

Faith Faith Faith
often times misplaced
I am not the author of anything but a repeat
I'm not sure it matters so much

(don't take all I say so seriously)

Because well, if it is one way
WE'll think it
and if it's not
we won't
will we?

Que dilemma
too lazy to overcome
too inept to accept.

This is where I'm at
(this is not a poem)
And to prove that it isn't I shall type and type and type and not even hit enter once. Because I'm so blind of my own actions that I must find a symbol for who I am and you must see it my way. If I could put tastefully put in laughter I would, but haha just doesn't feel right. And lol is just annoying. Right now.

Gah hahah.
I think so many things that just are rediculous and improbable but I love it.
(well when you think about it enough anything could be right. ---perhaps there are only right and lefts, not rights and wrongs--at the heart of the situation--- ---
(and yes I'm aware I sound like an idiot, i think i'm okay with it)

Mental note 4

I'm not who I thought I was.
God I barely know me. I'm starting to think all my ideals are just what I've been fed.
Well I kind of know that.
I just thought I had a little more control then what I'm thinking I do right now.
Maybe I do in some weird way.
God I don't know.
(I'm confused as all fuck right now)

Look out!

Spin the many heartened hate to become
what we wish we knew when we said hello
Wait upon a word caste away
And pray and pray and pray

There shall be a day when the hope of man rest in some high strung note
it is not this day

intrusion
into the heart of thought painted white
rearrange
we know you can
spikes are digging deeper
strings awakening wilder

Alone in the song of a thorn
the glass once a reflection hesitates to the mirror

Fast paced losing races
Pity bids no hardened faces
(we shall cry for you if you meant it)
((the only trouble is the decided time has but slipped away))
(((its just a lie)))

Don't spend your time unraveling what when set lose is but an extended strength for a saviour.
---its not mine
no longer

Now who's trying to hard?

..

in truth i shall miss what I meant when I said nothing.

mental note #3

I think i have a panic disorder.
But it goes away as long as I can soothe it.
Which is normally well enough to not go crazy.
hahaha.
jesus.
theres such a weird line between accepting and trying to change things.

nevermind me

Not much progress going on.
I had beautiful thoughts last night, abstract and uninterpretable, but they slipped away as I came back to a concrete world that remained unable to accept such things.

The world is cold and hard and unbiased. The people in it are not.
We are an abomination, we defy everything we come from.
Pollute it, discard it.
We destroy ourselves.
And yet among the ugly there is hope, humans have such strength among us: at times twisted and ill-placed, but remarkable nonetheless. Perhaps it is only because I am among the ranks of our race that I see the beauty, I'm not sure it matters.

Maybe the world is biased, I can not tell. Thats not saying much though, I'm nowhere near as intelligent as I could be, I have let that fade away too. I misused it and it has abandoned me. I can not condemn it for that, I just have a hard time accepting it.
There are multiple types of intelligence, so maybe it has just taken a new spin on what once was. I'm not sure. Of anything anymore.

I wouldn't take all I say literally, often times I type without thinking through anything, these are just stray thoughts looking for a home.
Maybe I am doing them an injustice by writing them down, but they help me.

another hard thing to admit. I need help sometimes. I used to be so fervently adamant about the need for individuality, I know realize its important in a certain amount, but have come to interpret life as unable to support complete individuality; that is, life as I have come to live it.

Nothings for sure anymore, I'm not so bothered.