didn't want to share this at first.

A cold hand reaches out
And from its knuckles bleed out a virus
And the trees still sway
The glass yet remains full, though she tried to leave
Beats resounding, rhythmic pounding
Was it man felt or some abstracted being?
Who are they to scrip out this meaning?
Dripping red, losing the fight
Take it over, find your in sight
Don’t leave me when you go
Because I trip over monsters I have found to be real
thought we were just playing pretend

Don’t hate me
Let me desert screaming he
This was not my fault
Well some
So feel it
I wouldn’t accept it
Choke on it
You won’t find it in you to deflect it
Because I know you from surface eyes and foreign resting hiding spaces
Feel it burn
-then quick resentment
Reforming accusations
I want still nothing to do with you
But see you burn
Leave it for tomorrow

Baby boy
I’d want to keep you
But my arms have been ripped at the seams

Pride

I wish I would be able to remember the quote I thought of today. It was perfect. Most of my favorite things fall away so quickly.
Every where I look I see an angry smile. Where did this unquenchable fire come from?
Trying to see from the other persons perspective is infuriatingly helpful. And so hard to make yourself do.
So I guess I kind of do like the drama.
At this moment a few people are mad at me. I really either find it funny or confusing. a little hurtful to the pride. Nonetheless, I've learned and am learning. I'm still such a child in some aspects.
Pride pride pride. Need I elaborate?

attach to thing before.

I had plans to write about my walk today.
bah.

Bonkers.

there's more to say. There's always more to say. So where am I going? Sometimes I find symbolism in things I shouldn't find symbolism and it gets hard to shake it because, well I haven't figured quite out why it is, but by god it gets annoying. If I could blame anything, well I'd blame a few things but among them would be the media and all the stories you read about. They all set free the dreams of men wanting to be special (well not only men, I mean mankind) and dreams can be so much more believable then reality. You want something so bad it becomes real. And if you feel it doesn't it hold some type of tangibility, so then doesn't it in a way become real?
I don't like these thoughts.
A while ago sitting by a fireside that may or may not have been lit I decided I loved thinking. So I guess maybe if I thought it and I felt it, it must in some way be lovable. And it is. It just seems more fitting to say I don't like thinking, because getting specific takes so much time.
There seems a trap within my line of reasoning I can never get around.
We are such dillusioned creatures, humans.
And I'd like to claim I have truth in some of what I say, but I am weak-minded and soft-hearted and stubborn and blind and hypocritical and contradicting. I really sometimes wish I were the strong one.
Funny how relatable I am to my past. Not really funny. I didn't understand me when I said the words, but I did.
I just want to be really able.
I'm mad at reality.

(I don't really care enough because I don't want to interfere with the thoughts I just had and make it not just raw me, well as raw as I have tested myself and in this moment wish to be/think I can be. But I really am very naive. And immature. I know I'm picking apart myself and thats not good, but thats what I feel like doing right now and because I don't have the will or capacity and because if I did there might be a problem, but only might. Lost my train of thought. I get very "I know" a lot. Just wanted to restate that somewhere inside me I know I'm fallible and often wrong. Well hopefully not too often.

Oh and I think I think different nowadays. I don't know if its because of the medicine. I know I'm repeating myself, but I realized it even more as I was writing this. I don't know how I feel on the subject. Mixed feelings.
gah. mixes)

Curveballs.

People with the capacity to think don't win these games. They don't play them.

"Fights problems with bigger problems"

He told me he thought that the medicine dulled my idealogy. But it doesn't. It sharpens my thoughts, my reasoning is so much more sound. I can push away the fuzz and bizarre ideals that didn't belong, unless then, I was meant to be driven to absolute lunacy. Then again, there and back again kind of describes my situation at the moment. And just like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings(I know its terribly corny, sthu) I return changed.
That isn't to say I still don't have my own little problems.
He didn't give me time to properly disagree. I did. My inside workings in the moment made me feel proud. The machine feels a little better oiled now, the bearer has been attending to the creation which needs constant adjustment.
My world is about change. I'm obsessed with it. That and labeling things. I don't like the negative type of judging. And sometimes I do. Do the complications within what I operate make me a liar? I never have time to tell my full story.
Back near the end of July I wanted full connection with someone but now I just want time to prosper without being hindered by others dangers.

So much drama has been going on. I feel like I should be mad but I'm just trying to figure things out. In a way I'm glad it has been happening because its forcing me to become stronger in my convictions. I feel like a terrible friend. I don't want to have to deal with worlds crashing down upon everyones feet, shards of it digging in ankles. Why can't we all just walk away from how fucked up things have become.

So why does he think the medicine dulls my ideologies? So what if it forces me away from childish condemning of the nourishment which keeps it alive? So what if I cherish the good in my life and can appreciate why things are the way they are? Yes I do dream of betterment of society, but its really not as bad as I used to think it is. Its weird being the one in the discussion who holds a better view on the situation. I've just moved on. Maybe prematurely. But I think classifying things like that is just unhealthy, sometimes maybe necessarily. But who's complaining?

When you just want to be at home

I know its hard to understand that I don't care about you anymore,
So close your eyes and make me fade away
Dreaming in white,
you know you don't want to be alone
Push and pull
when you just want to be at home

Taking breath to let something in
Hate and insecurity cloud your sky
How does it feel to know you just can't win?
I'd fight it off but theres nothing for me now


you're actions say your over it
but your eyes say you're alone

Do the antics get tiring
when you just want to be at home?