Bonkers.

there's more to say. There's always more to say. So where am I going? Sometimes I find symbolism in things I shouldn't find symbolism and it gets hard to shake it because, well I haven't figured quite out why it is, but by god it gets annoying. If I could blame anything, well I'd blame a few things but among them would be the media and all the stories you read about. They all set free the dreams of men wanting to be special (well not only men, I mean mankind) and dreams can be so much more believable then reality. You want something so bad it becomes real. And if you feel it doesn't it hold some type of tangibility, so then doesn't it in a way become real?
I don't like these thoughts.
A while ago sitting by a fireside that may or may not have been lit I decided I loved thinking. So I guess maybe if I thought it and I felt it, it must in some way be lovable. And it is. It just seems more fitting to say I don't like thinking, because getting specific takes so much time.
There seems a trap within my line of reasoning I can never get around.
We are such dillusioned creatures, humans.
And I'd like to claim I have truth in some of what I say, but I am weak-minded and soft-hearted and stubborn and blind and hypocritical and contradicting. I really sometimes wish I were the strong one.
Funny how relatable I am to my past. Not really funny. I didn't understand me when I said the words, but I did.
I just want to be really able.
I'm mad at reality.

(I don't really care enough because I don't want to interfere with the thoughts I just had and make it not just raw me, well as raw as I have tested myself and in this moment wish to be/think I can be. But I really am very naive. And immature. I know I'm picking apart myself and thats not good, but thats what I feel like doing right now and because I don't have the will or capacity and because if I did there might be a problem, but only might. Lost my train of thought. I get very "I know" a lot. Just wanted to restate that somewhere inside me I know I'm fallible and often wrong. Well hopefully not too often.

Oh and I think I think different nowadays. I don't know if its because of the medicine. I know I'm repeating myself, but I realized it even more as I was writing this. I don't know how I feel on the subject. Mixed feelings.
gah. mixes)