Stuffy Stuff Stuff stuff.

One thing I really admire in another person is honesty. Why? I guess because I realize the tremendous amount of strength it takes to be completely honest. I'm not talking about sissy honest like admitting to taking the last piece of gum or to being afraid of sharp objects. The honesty I'm talking about is like complete and total honesty in telling oneself and others the truth about the way you are, about the things you have most regreted, about the raw reasons one does something, about the way someone really sees something. That shit takes courage to admit, and I'm admitting a lot of the time I can't. 

So I'm hoping thats the first step to fixing that, because my self that seems more knowledgable than my cognitative self. 

I suppose the next thing I think would be a good start is making a list of things I need to say. 

1. I'm terrified of going crazy one day, but I think I have the potential to.

2. I feel awkward around people sometimes, but I think being awkward is pathetic. I guess thats because I really am a people oriented person a lot of the time and any inability regarding people freaks me out. I realize this isn't a terrible thing, but I've just not really ever said it because people tend to not say these things. 

3. A lot of things I do are done in order to prevent myself from breaking down or becoming depressed again. 

4. Sometimes I wish I was a thoughtless animal and that speech was never created because it would be so much easier that way

5. I'm extremely sensitive but build a barrier between myself and people, even though a lot of the time I just want to be really close with everyone. My inner self doesn't really know how to not be annoying so it just gets supressed under this large machine I have created that stops anything from being able to hurt me

6. I'm rarely the same person two days in a row. I change a shit load and it freaks me out to the maximum. I do it becauseI'm trying to grow as a person and because repetitive things bore me. 

7. Although it scares me to death(which is an over exageration) I think I might be a fool.  I have changed my ideas so much in the past year working on trying to be content I don't deal with the actual issue and only on a painless solution. 

8. There was a short stage in my life when I wanted to control people. It quickly died. It was right after I got really bummed about people and their opinion of me and I was looking for a way to not get hurt again, because thats what I do. Somehow or another that seemed like a possible answer, I know it wasn't.

9. I am really good at lying to myself. 

10. I don't like confonting issues I have with people because there are too many hasslesome variables to consider about the outcome. 

11. I feel like I'm always at the edge of a tagic realization.