Capturing feelings

Sometimes i let myself go to a point where I must make a choice that wouldn't have been possible had the going not been gone. And by going I mean mental pain. And by mental I mean to a point of complete hopelessness and pointless that corrupts every feeling receptor in my body. And by that i mean its not that bad.
But this is writing.
And hurting still hurts.
And thats still the only words that I can allow to define this situation.
Have you ever been among friends and felt completely alone?
I don't think it can go much further.
It's always a goodbye, thats the only way I know how to fix anything.
But goobyes always mean hello.
The point it really boils down to is if the hello really would be worth the goodbye.
and if i have it in me.
I dont think i have it in me.
I have to have it in me.
Do I?

What are you supposed to do when you can't find the answers to questions you just don't know how to ask.
I don't know.

But then again nothing really is that known.

Have you ever put your self in pain in order to make sure you're still feeling.
Have you ever contemplated puting a gun to your head just to make sure you wouldnt pull the trigger.

I'm not suicidal, I just don't care.