More expectations.

I wish there was a way to write that would include no effort but would have maximum attainment of expression. I just want to be able to start typing and exactly how I feel could just flow out, no risk of not being understood, no risk of finding or creating things that I might take too close to my heart.

I feel the strangest type of discontentment at the moment. I almost feel afraid of it, but not. Its calmly digging in, its not here to stay, I don't think, but it still feels dangerous, yet productive. I've been thinking the most beautiful thoughts.

I wonder how many people are actually interested in reading this, even if its not even one person, I guess I'm good enough. I'll have to be. Recently, theres been this urge in me to be heard, I want to show people this. I want to see people's this. Not many people do it the way I want them to, but they still do it well. Just not my way. Maybe I just think I'm too much an authority in what is a good way to do things. I mean I guess maybe there is no right or wrong way. Advectives are so fucked sometimes, in my opinion. My opinion doesn't really matter too much, but I'll keep trying to express it the best I can.

So what is the point of the truth? I don't know, it just seems the right path for me. I can't understand lying about the big things at times, so I condemn it. At times I condemn my self, so why do I see others condemning me as such a bad thing? Well maybe not too too bad, but I can dwell, I am obsessive.

These thoughts were not those which I wanted to share. Damn mechanics of my life. The things which passed through my mind a few minutes ago were so honest, to the point of cutting to the depth of my heart. This is just slightly under the surface area. I am disappointed in one way, pleased in another.

I really miss Automm, she really has gained my respect. I've been feeling very distant from things lately. I've been dreaming of just the right kind of interaction, I just don't know how to ask for it. Maybe someday it'll happen, but it won't be planned. Maybe I'll force it, maybe that'll ruin it or it might be just what I need.

I thought 'I can't' today. It wasn't so bad, maybe even healthy. Perhaps we'll find out.