Verdicts.

Well I guess I feel alone right now. I know I'm being silly and could probably end the feeling if I wanted to, but life becomes so much more entertaining when you dwell on negative thoughts.
I'm a masochist. A serious mental masochist. I rarely think I'm good enough. It feels as if all my confidence is just a facade sometimes, a defense mechanism. Well some of it I know it, some of it is outlandish and childish. When I fight with people I don't think they realize I know myself better than they do. Its really no use repeating things I already tell myself, my world doesn't end. I guess I maybe did need the toughening. Petty remarks don't reach me and I'm done not doing anything about people attacking me. I hope I don't come across as a bitch or do anything rash. The two statements I just said don't go together very well. Thinking it through may either be a rationilaztion for incoherency in my own mind and the world around me, or it may prove to find a fact. (Maybe both.) Sometimes the facts just don't matter like I think they should, that isn't to say they don't matter, just not how my expectations figure.
I screw myself over slightly often. Maybe its just learning. Today feels weird. I think it may be due to the fact that I've been getting closer to certain people and drawing away from others. In my need to fix myself, which may or may not prove needed or wise or useful, I have started to slowly change. I wonder if anyone besides me notices. As I journey on, I really don't want to hurt anyone as I go about life, but I feel as if I am at a point where I just can't consider anything outside of certain things. I feel like in order to maintain the humanity within myself it will always be that way. Closed minded and open minded are such confusing terms. I don't have a verdict on them, nor do I think I ever will.