World, I have grown my own.

My creative mind has been taking me on very emotionally tumultuous escapades lately. I feel like everything I knew about me is changing; I'm realizing shit I would never let myself conclude. I feel small, I feel unimportant, I feel confused and torn and broken but thriving with life.
It would seem that my life is on a continuous repeat, yet with every circle I passionately, idiotically, incongruently run, I find the distance has taken up a little bit more space. I don't think its a circle at all, actually, its more like a level of laps that intercect and wind away from each other, but never break off.

Life is so confusing. Even more confusing when there are so many options of what to believe and one little turn of opinion spurs an entire new world born infront of my eyes.
God damn me for being pessimistic about it, but somehow my thoughts have been finding so many terrible thing through my perception of reality.
-I think its on account of my worrisome mind daily discovering more and more terrible outlets.


I see a girl with ragid black hair locked up and screaming. She is going crazy. She is me. Her face is distorted with pain, fear: terror of a gruesome fate. (I don't want to go crazy) Writhing under chains tightening with every struggle, she lets out a finaly yelp, finally sedation.
DO you ever think that this is just some made up reality your tormented mind has created in order to escape a more terrible threat? Do you ever feel like this world is a punishment for some terrible sin you have committed somewhere else in the span of where existence has taken hold and at any moment the tables will turn on you and insanity shall finally have its say in your broken mind? Do you ever feel like there is so much more than you can see and fragments of foreign thought invade your inner most beauty and corrupt it?
These thoughts have infested my solitude. In the dark of the night in the least protected areas of self they creep over and take hold.

I didn't think I was this dark, but I'm terrified of being alone these days. I need someone to hold my hand and tell me all my mind has manifested in my darkest dreaming is only a fictitious nightmare that has been haunting my waking thoughts for quite some time. I hate admitting that.

Its never been this bad before.

I don't know how this happened, but unknown fears grip my trembling mind and refuse to allow me to grow. I am stunted and I am withering away.

Am I crazy?
I feel like somethings gone terribly wrong inside this mind I am trapped inside.

Do I have a personality disorder?

Please don't be afraid for me, I think I can handle this.
I just need to document these thoughts and set them free, maybe now that they are in a more tangible form I can now deal with them more reasonably.
I really hope I'll soon be able to cast away these thoughts.
Tonight I shall try to create a resting place for these torments in the past and formulate a more wondrous perception, where these ghosts cannot touch me.
Too long have I held on to a nightmare when there is a world of tomorrows capability of growth holding its breath for a no. and then a yes.